I've been seeing a therapist (an actual soon-to-be psychologist (PhD student)) for about 6 months now. Twice a month (3 times a month the first 3 months) and I'm feeling better for it.

The biggest thing I'm overcoming is just figuring out who I am and accepting it. It was part development, part discovery and part acceptance.

On my birthday, I invited anyone on my facebook pages to drop by a bar I was going to if they wanted to raise a glass for my 50th. I expected nothing and tried to downplay my wishes and planned to just groove out to some good music, by myself, if necessary.

There were two bars that night that I saw as possibilities. One had more traditional bar music (lots of stuff from the 80s) and another was more comtemporary alt music suited for the younger crowd. I preferred the older stuff, but only because at 50, I thought I wouldn't fit in with a bunch of kids.

I spent the first few hours at the older scene bar (which attracted a heck of a lot of younger people, btw) and one person showed up to offer me a beer… when I had stepped out for a bit (naturally). So, about midnight, I began getting down on myself, sitting by myself, getting drunk and listening to old tunes being played by some young guy. 1 min after writing a particularly despondent message to myself on my cellphone, in walked my roommate with a bunch of her younger friends. They mildly embarrassed me by singing happy bday to me in a crowded room. Then within a half hour we were off to the bar with the alt music.

After a lot of liquid courage I got up and grooved out to the music… the oldest person in the room by far. And the most unexpected thing occurred… none of the younger people on the floor gave a dang. My crew apparently were pretty jazzed to see me enjoying myself, but other than that, I was just one of the folks on the floor.

My main reason for going to see the therapist was to figure out just who I am. Why don't I feel I fit anywhere? Well, that night, I fit. Regardless of my age, I think younger than my years, and I've got to accept that. Open road with a backpack on my back is not an accidental signoff on my comments here… it's who I am. I am a very responsible person… my job, my kids, my family will tell you that. But I am also a free spirit, an imaginative lover of life, a visual junkie and a musical emoter. It is time to say to heck with what the world thinks of me and who I should be at my age. It is time to say to heck with my hang-up of what I think the world will think of me.

I still am working on solidifying these thoughts and beliefs. Being assertive and confident are two things I need a lot of work on. But I seem to get depressed a lot less lately. Being happy and finding someone to share this last half of my adult life seems like a much greater possibility now. I'll probably back-slide on this uphill trip, but I'll get back up, cause that ridge on top of the hill seems a lot closer now.

Peace everyone,

Love yourself



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