Well after talking to a friend last night in the chat room I felt pretty good and was able to go to bed and I actually slept good all night without waking up all night and don't remember dreaming but again I woke up tired like I would use all my energy just on getting out of bed and walking to the other room and I had the baby coming in a  half hour.  How am I supposed to take care of both kids all day.  One of them is fine and he plays on his own just needing me for food and drink while the baby needs constant attention unless he's sleeping so the day is busy and feeling the depression is a little easier although it's still there.

I need a new place to live on my own not sharing with anyone like I do now with my daughter and her son.  I need to be able to do what I want when I want to do it, I need to go to bed and sleep off some of this depression when I need to, and I need to shower etc when I want to.  Today I asked her to watch the boys so I could take a shower and she replies with I have to get landon's hair cut and then I have to pay my phone and then I want to go to the tanning bed…..took her 45 minutes to get ready to leave and she couldn't give me 20 minutes.  I went off on her and told  her she's selfish always doing what she wants without helping me with what I need and leaving me with Landon at the drop of a hat instead of asking if it's ok.  I told her she is also selfish for not getting up in the mornings because it took so long for her to go to sleep after coming in from work it doesn't matter how much sleep she got it comes with being a mom and not sleeping until all hours of the afternoon or until she has to go to work.  Yes she does that I will wake her and tell  her it's time to get up and play and spend time with your son and she will ignore me and lay there until time to getup and leave for work!!  I got on her about that too.. I guess her not watching them while I shower actually was the last straw so I let it all out on her.  I'm not asking her for anything outrageous I'm asking her to get up and be the mom she is supposed to be!  We used to live in my sons house and his 3 kids would come over on the weekends and sometimes during the week.  We lived in the basement apt and his kids would always come down and play with the baby which was no big deal but my son did'nt  participate just like she's not doing now and she used to bitch about it saying she would never do anything like that with her kids…..hellllloooooo Dana that exactly what you are doing to me!

So now I'm walking around angry, have the baby here and  he will probably pick up on my attitude and be fussy, the depression has got me so down all I want to do is be alone and yeah probably to wallow in it for a while.  I need ME time….I get an hour every night after Landon goes to sleep to do whatever I want, I usually come on here to talk because it makes me feel a little better especially if I can help someone else and concentrate on them for a while.  I do have someone that I can vent with and that helps too but I'm so tired I can't stay as long as I want or too tired to do anything else like I used to do like read a book, crochet, sew, watch some tv or a movie….I've dumped on Dana for all she's been doing and how if affects me, she's gone right now so we'll see what kind of mood she's in when she comes back after I tore into  her….she should come back and tell me she's sorry for not doing her part and leaving me with everything.  I have a lot of physical problems and can hardly get around especially from sitting to standing my knees kill me and my ankles have tendonitis in them right now so it's really painful to me.  I love watching the boys but it does get a little painful to do…..the babies mom will come get him soon as she can and doesn't ask me to watch him if I can't she's really good about it wish Dana was like her…..I don't know what to do I've said all I can say so when will all this end?  When can I have a place of my own and do what I want for a while in my life?  When will this ever end….can't afford to move, can't afford anything so when will it all end???


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