My OCD is minor at this point, but very prominent in my mind. I never really know when an OCD urge will happen. It can be something small that I see and it bothers me, it can be an impending thought,or repeated action. Many of my current OCD urges involve my lack of control of situations, disorganization , cleanliness and most often reoccurring anxiety over pretty much anything.

some of my tendency include:

*my impending thoughts of hurting my relationships with people.

this often contributes to the repeating action of saying i'm sorry, asking for reassurance for example i often have to ask over and over if my boyfriend loves me , these thoughts to most people are "insecurity" but it so different, I could completely know the answer but i ask anyway over and over and over.

It scares me….

*The one that is mostly noticed to the outside world is my need for everything to be planned.

That may sound harmless but it gets to the point where that's all i can think about. When it gets to that point I tend to indulge it and make it worse by writing everything out for every hour of my day and when im really stressed every minute. If it's not written its burned in my brain replaying over and over and over. It hurts to think about it sometimes. The worse however is when things dont go as i planned. It kills me inside i will cry and shake and just go to a state where people cant reach me. all i can think about is remaking my schedule and its a vicious circle. The same goes for if someone else does not have a plan and i am directly effected by it. For example, I can't be late in fact its to the point where i have shown up hours before an event in fear of missing it and falling into that state of sheer panic and anxiety. I get made fun of alot for this. My friends do not understand the severity of my condition and it is my fault because i laugh at myself to hide the fact that its truly hurting me.

I have only told two people about the seriousness of my condition and im hoping it will go away so i dont have to tell anyone else.

* my last major tendency is repeating random actions if i dont feel safe or comfort or most commonly im trying to hide my anxiety. I have been known to repeatedly wash my hands when im around a bunch of people and i am trying to avoid an anxiety attack or hiding something, it calms me but as the anxiety grows the longer i wash the hotter the water, more soap… anything to make it go away. it is also quiet common ill repeat something if its not just perfect like doing my hair, putting a bracelet on, washing my hair, putting on shoes, placing my head on pillows, laying in bed, anything that just isn't perfect to me. I hide this well but sometimes i just cant.

I don't want to ask for help.

I don't want to admit something is wrong with me.

I don't want to be this way.

These are my prominent tendencies but the list goes on and on and continues to grow.

Somebody please make it stop.