I feel like I want to just die, but I don't want to go through any pain of getting there. I just want to close my eyes and sleep forever. I might not even want to die, but to dream forever, even bad dreams are better than my horrible life.

K sent me a text which was probably not meant for me, or just an accident, asking me to go to get drinks with him again. I was happy thinking, maybe he does want to see me after all. But when I texted him back asking him hows it going and telling him I got the message too late again, he ignored it. I haven't heard from him at all in any kind of response. I don't know if he missed the text but most likely he just does not want to talk to me. This time, I really really have to let it go.

I called my therapist and asked if we can do a phone session. I can't go out today and face the traffic. I can't even really get dressed. I barely got any sleep last night and I feel sick from drinking all week.

I am trying to talk to people, but it's hard to get myself together. I am thinking of letting K go for now and starting fresh, maybe even meeting a new guy I've been talking to online. But EVERY time I meet someone new I get at the least disappointed if not hurt. Even if the guy just becomes a FRIEND, he hurts me by getting bored of me and disappearing like P did. P just stopped talking to me. Simply because he got bored of me. And I thought we were really good friends. We weren't boyfriend/girlfriend so there was no reason for him to get mad and just dump me. He simply got bored. That happens every time I like someone in ANY way. Even just as a friend.

So I guess it's no wonder that the love of my life (K) wants nothing to do with me now. I have to be thankful that I got that one night with him and THAT'S IT. Otherwise this could get very ugly. I can't let it get ugly. I have to let it go. I hope he doesn't respond to my text now. It's obviously not what he wants to do.


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