I just got hired as the new library aide at the high school where DH teaches. I could not be happier about getting out of retail–at least during the school year. Also, I was accepted into the graduate program at IUN for special education K-12. Good things are happening for me and I am extremely grateful tobe finally moving forward again.
Of course, there has never been a time in my life when good things happening didn't also mean dodging venom from other people–and let's face it. Those people have always been other women. I walked away from two close friends because they were bothtoo busy wallowing in their repeated f–ups to notice when I needed a shoulder to cry on or just an "I'm so happy for you".
So, I really don't have female friends anymore. I envy women who maintain close, non-competative relationships with other women. Does that even exist or is everyone really just that disingenuous?Someone is always bound to pop up and say, "Oh, I totally agree, but not me. Everyone's like that exept me"…Blah. I guess I'm somewhat bitter, but I tend to call it like I see it.
When I graduated college, I did so right after DH proposed to me and right as I finished the first draft of my first novel. I was on cloud nine. Everything was on the up and I landed a solid,good-paying job within that first month out of school. Everything was moving so fast and I couldn't keep up. I ended up losing the job a month later and no one was there for me except my (then) fiance. One friend got weird and quit answering her phone because I wanted to talk about things other than the hours of complaining she subjected me to, about her upcoming THIRD divorce and how her back hurt too much to get a job. I did my part–I listened, I encouraged, I gave advice (which was always ingnored), I even tried tough love and reminded her that if *I've* been working on my feet for the past decade with the same exact back problems so can she and that if she wanted her mom to stop nagging her, she'd better stop sitting around pondering work and go out to look for it. I just got TIRED of the constantflow of complaining and no action. After a year of silence, during which I suffered the worst case of depression in years (and joined DT), she started calling me again and I decided not to answer her calls. It's been three years. I'd much rather feel alone when I'm actually alone.
I'm feeling somewhat alone right now. It would be nice to talk to another woman about my ups and downs, but again, I'm faced with back-biting and snarkiness. I don't talk about the good things that happen to me much more than simply mentioning them in conversation–I'm extra careful not to flaunt good fortune in front of someone who might be having a rough patch–so it's not as though I'm bragging or making anyone sick of hearing about it. There's just one woman who's been at my store for about a year longer than me who seems to think my getting another job is somehow holding her back and her attitude toward me now has developed undertones of shittiness. Another lady we work with (who is also leaving) told me "Katie was upset with you the other night–well not upset with you, exactly, but upset that you got another job. She said that she wanted to go back to teaching and now she can't because there's no one to fill in for you now and she doesn't want to be an asshole and leave Angel with no help."
Me: "What does that have to do with anything? I'm not keeping her here. This is a part-time retail job, not a prison. The only thing we owe these people is 2 weeks notice and I've given 4."
We both agreed that she was using me as a lameexcuse, but it still irked me, because these little jabs of snarky jealous behavior always catch me off guard coming from people I like/thought liked me. I was hoping to keep in touch with her after leaving. NowI won't. I can deal with moodiness (I'm the queen of the swing, myself) and flares of temper, but I can't stand jealous people.
I can't deal with sideways glances from a friend whenever I spend more than 2 minutes conversing withher boyfriend or sudden nastiness over a new job or achievement or a vacation I've saved up for. Can't do it. Won't do it. So, now I have no female friends.
Good things don't happen in my life very often–I mean celebration-worthygood things, so when they do, I don't understand why this reaction. Do I simply attract people who feel like better people when I'm low on luck? I don't get it, but it seems to be a reoccurring pattern. And, it's only WOMEN who get like this with me. The men I know are just like, "Nice! Congrats!"and then move on.
Fine, I'll celebrate with my husband and my few remaining male friends. We'll have funhigh-fiving and fist-pumping eachother's victories–big and small.So there. 😀
But still, it does make me a little sad.