-i used to be an author, but i don't write anymore. it scares me. i feel like i've lost my humanity and my soul. sometimes i wonder if i have a soul left.

-i sleep all the time and pretend that things are different, and that i'm living a different life. usually it manages to calm me down so i can spend hours simply laying in bed and looking at my hand, or at the wall, and refusing to get up.

-i am horribly lonely, and i don't understand why i can't find anyone. i don't think that i am horrible-looking. i'm certainly not conventional looking but i am not 500 pounds, i don't have a hideous face, i don't think i am that disgusting to look at. the only thing i would change would be my nose, but once i saw the procedures for surgery, i chickened out.

-i don't understand how all my other female friends are being promiscuous and having sex meanwhile i haven't in over half a year. maybe it's because i'm so shy. but it makes me extremely sad, like i'm not worthy of being loved, or i'm completely undesireable.

-i would just like to find someone that would be willing to take care of me. to help me stand on my own two feet. i've never met anyone like that before. maybe i'm too much and too intense. i don't blame then. they'd have so much baggage to overcome and they'd need an overwhelming amount of patience. i am brilliantly injured but i don't think i'm completely incapable of being loved.. but why does it feel that way…?

-i immerse myself in things that children about half my age should be doing. i still read over the harry potter series, play video games, collect stuffed animals, i guess i have a pretty vicious peter pan complex or something. but i think it's more like lolita syndrome. i like to act ridiculously young and i also have very childlike features (besides my awful nose) and i find myself attracted to people twice my age. around their early 30s. it's very unconventional and disturbing. i don't want to date anyone younger than i am..

-i find these fixations extremely dangerous, because they don't seem normal or healthy.

-when i'm sad i look towards pain as release. because it erases all of my thoughts and makes me focus completely on the waves of intense discomfort sifting through me. i like to burn my fingertips and myself with my lighter, i put binder clips on my skin, i (rarely now) used a boxcutter on my legs..

 -i also get off on it. it's horrible. but this is a confession, isn't it? i don't know any sadists either. sucks.

-i get tattoos when i am depressed or feeling empty. i try to fill the void in my life with childish things or (what i consider) intense and meaningful acts.

-i hate my job so much, but at the same time i need it. it makes me seem normal. people respect me. i get up and do something productive. but it makes me so tired..

-..which also leads to the point that i have anemia. i am chronically exhausted and extremely skinny and have dark bags under my eyes. i don't know how i function. i know i need to put more iron in my diet but..

-…i refuse to take care of myself, and i don't understand why.

– i found myself developing feelings for a boy in a band, and he liked me too, but he's making it big now, and i just want to be with someone who doesn't have a huge ego or obsessed with fame. i'm sad that it ended so badly.

-everything i do is an act. my voice changes around other people, becomes politer, higher-pitched. especially around the opposite sex. i have a hard time talking normally to people. i always pretend that i'm rather carefree and self-controlled. the truth is that i'm a tornado of emotions.

-i just want someone to get in my face and shake me and wake me up out of this stupor already. i can't do it on my own. i need a firm hand. but there's no one there, and i'm just descending into madness.