6/23/09 Tuesday 10:23 am anxietytribe blog
I can visualize St. Stephen who was stoned to death (Acts 7:54-60) I feel like there is a part of me that is stiffnecked and resistant and even murderous to my inner child and like the crowd that stoned Stephen wants to hurl rocks at my inner child. There is another part of me like Stephen who was being overwhelmed and killed by rocks flung at him from an angry mob. I feel like Stephen being surrounded and attacked except the angry mob is my inner critic and judge. I ask God to help the inner child and the inner critic to reconcile, to move to a healthier and nurturing relationship.
I feel overwhelmed by my judgments that I can't take care of myself, that life is full of traps and dangers and judgements. I want to run away and hide and just ignore what I need to do (my inner child turned into inner rebel and defiant child as the way to respond to my inner parent who is so unnurturing and so condemning). I see how like the movie Groundhog day with Bill Murray, I keep replaying the same scenes of my inner parent attacking my inner child and my inner child rebelling and hiding. It is a vicious cycle that I keep repeating. I know in my head that God can deliver me from this dysfunctional repetitious cycle but it has always been hard for me to feel God's love and deliverance.
I hope and pray that like Saul had a change of heart and became Paul that I can experience a psychological change of heart that shifts from being a persecutor to being a champion of healing faith. Like Saul, I am on the journey and hope that like Saul on the road to Damascus (Acts 9:1-10) I can work through the catastrophe of sudden blindness and learn to really see the truth.
The stoning continues incessantly. The inner critic and inner judge never stops. I identify with the poor Iranian woman, Neda , who was shot to death by the Basiji and whose death was videotaped and posted to Youtube. There is a side of me that is the inner Basiji that is cruel and repressive and shoots the inner freedom seeker side of myself like poor Neda, the "angel of Iran" who is a martyr now to freedom. Someday, freedom will come hopefully for Iran and for my inner child.
The other thought that comes to mind is the enslavement of the Israeli when they wept by the rivers of Babylon (Psalm 137). I feel that sense of sadness when I reflect on how stuck I often feel in psychological slavery to my inner critic.
I cry out to God, to JC, to give me wisdom, courage, comfort, guidance. Help me HP.