And worried… I don't know how I'm going to pay to fix my hair. Well, I do actually. But that means cutting into my modest savings. I know it sounds shallow. But my hair is hacked down to practically nothing and the worst part is that it was obviously done during a mental breakdown. No one would have their hair hacked like this under saneand sober circumstances. So not only is it ass ugly and very short, it is embarassing too. I dont' like the lady whos supposed to do my hair, but beggars can't be choosers and I'm not going to look around all over town for someone else who does hair extentions. I'm just going to bite the bullet and have it done.

OK Confused. Well this morning I woke up at 5 am because I was too worried to sleep anymore. I put some clip in extentions in which look horrible, but I just wanted the feeling of having hair again. I checked my cell phone and I couldn't believe it. K had texted me. He said he'd been craving the food at that restaurant we were at just before he broke up with me. He said we should go sometime… I don't get why he'd say that. We went there a lot when we were together, and I am wondering why he'd want to go back with me. It confuses me. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but it still confuses me. As long as I live, I will always hear what I want to hear from K, rather than what he might actually be saying. To me this is a fantasy that can not end.

When my phone was broken it was the longest 2 days. Then I got it back and when I texted him, K answered me, but seemed distant, non-engaging and disinterested. Then he texts me yesterday about going to that restaurant.

UGGHH… No wonder I'm going nuts. I mean this is enough to drive anyone crazy. I am trying to realize he just wants to be my friend, but my thirst for more from him is killing me. It just won't end. And one of the big reasons I want to do my hair is because if I see him, I want to look my best. I hate short hair, but it's not the end of the world to me, and it's easier to take care of. But its unacceptable if I want to attract any kind of male attention.

So now I'm just trying to keep it together. Nine days until my appointment. I am trying to decide if I should color my hair so the roots aren't showing otherwise I could have grays. If I have her do it, it will be another $100 and it will top $1k for the whole thing… God, I don't want to think of what else I could have done with that money. At least I am running auctions on eBay to help pay for it.

Oh I am just so stressed and confused and now I have to deal with another weekend of temptations. Booze, food… I am trying really hard to think of things to keep my brain busy so that I don't binge and go nuts again. I keep watching the same movie over and over again… it comforts me but it is starting to drive me crazy, I have seen it so many times… I really frighten myself with some of the things I am doing. I'm so strange in a lot of ways. I just want to keep what's left of my sanity.


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