I dont know how i feel twords you anymore. I love you but i hate you. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. I finally got more than 6 hours of sleep without tossing and turning. My phone goes off, im thinking "oh it must be my boyfriend checking up on me from work" i look down. No its you. So i reject the call like always.The pain in my chest is present now. I get up and go to the bathroom and brush my teeth. I come back to bed and grab my laptop. I look at my phone and see that you left me a message. I listen to my voicemail. You say"I know you can hear me answer your phone! Fine never answer your phone how about that?!" and you hang up. The pain in my chest is overwelming now. All i want to do is go to back to sleep and hope that it all goes away. The thoughts, the lies, the memories both good and bad. I want them to go away. You tricked me to live with you. You turned me against my mother. And i believed you.. i believed that you wouldnt beat me like you said you wouldnt. I believed that you were going to be my father like you said you would. I believed you wouldnt ever abandon me like you did. Or screem at me like she did but you did. I dont know what to believe anymore in this world. I go day my day believeing nothing. Im having relationship issues because of this. Ive never done anything to deserve this. I feel like scum for leaving my mother. She needed me and i just left. My step father OD'd and i blamed myself for it. I still do. Sure i didnt shove the pills down his throught or the bottle and a half of crown but i was the last one to see him alive. I could have said something or did something. Told him it was okay that my mom yelled at him. That things were going to be okay and that i was there for him. I was only 11 though. I wonder if it would have even made a difference. I guess it doesnt matter now.

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