As if it wasnt bad this morning and as if i wasnt upset this morning. You had to call a second time. It wouldnt have mattered if you had just left me a messege like this morning. Yelling at me like you always do. But when you use me. or try to. it just plain hurts. I dont know why you are the way you are. You expect me to pay for the store room like its no big deal. oh i stole 25,000 dollars from you, beat you, abused you emotionally, threatened your life and your mothers life, called you names like fat and ugly, and messed with your head to the point were your scared of older men but why dont you just go ahead and pay for the store room bill even though i wont give you a key so you can get your stuff out of it. You would rather lose the store room that has all my baby pictures and all my memories than to give me the key because you think that thats the only reason why i even talked to you in the first place. Well what the hell do you think? I payed it a year and a half ago and i wiped my hands of it. I told myself that all if it was gone. Im to the point were i just want to drown myself. Your ruining my life and because of my consience i cant turn my phone off or change my number. Im too scared of you to confront you and because of you im at war with myself. You dont even care about me and i dont know why i put myself through this. All i want to do is screem. But i dont. All i want to do is cry, and when i do its for nothing. I dont want to waste my tears on you. I dont want to waste my breath on you. I dont want to waste my days that i have by thinking about you. But i do. And i fucking hate it. It makes me want to hurt myself, it makes me want to just end it all. It makes me want to tell all my friends to leave me alone, to break up with my boyfriend who ive been with for 5 years just because hes a man. I hate men. As if it wasnt bad enough that ive gone through all the stuff with you and the fact that i lost my step dad and that my best friend got murdered you STILL have to harrass me. havent i had enough? havent you abused me enough? what more do you want for me? do you want all my money? do you want me to be misrable for the rest of my life? do you want me to kill myself or to be depressed? because thats the path that im on! youve ruined my fucking life and i hate you for it. i hate you so so much… and i hate myself for not being able to let you go. why…. i dont understand and i think thats the reason why im so angry, why i cant let this go. i hate myself for what has all happened. I just cant let go. Its like its plastered onto my heart. onto my brain. it wont go away.. no matter how much i want it to. Im going insain. I fear nothing is going to beable to help me. I dont trust anyone. I think that everyone is going to hurt me. I cant trust… i wont trust… i did once. I talked to a psyc and she hurt me. She told me that it was confidential. She told me noone would know the things i told her. Except she turned around and told my mother everything that i said. Everything. everything that i felt, twords her my father everyone. Im so filled with hate right now. All i want to do is burry myself in music and sleep. I dont know how much more of this i can take. People tell me all the time that im such a strong person because of all the stuff ive been though. And that im not crazy. They dont know me that well… they dont know what i think about at night. All day everyday i shine. I have a smile on my face, i laugh and make people laugh. But behind that smile is a angry child. Who hates the world, who wants to burn things. Who wants to just end it all. im done ranting for now.
Rubybear, , Depression, Anger, Anxiety, Child, Depression, Domestic Abuse, Obesity, Relationships, Sleep Disorders, 0