The very first time I ever experienced really bad depression was when I was 13. I was being bullied every single day in school and I had no friends. Everyone I knew in elementary school had decided to change before middle school and I was apparently left out of the loop. This girl got popular, that girl became an athlete, that girl became a drug addict, etc.. Everyone picked a group and I fell between the cracks.

I cried every single day for hours. I had anxiety attacks before school. I never talked to anyone, once prompting an older student to ask, "Do you ever talk?"

All I did was shake my head yes.

I ended up developing social anxiety so bad that I didn't leave my house for months between 15 and 19 (I transferred out of my public school and finished my education online), when I finally got a job. I think my Dad pitied me because when they'd ask if I wanted to go out with them here or there and I began crying, he'd sometimes say that he understood and leave it at that.

Looking back at all that wasted time, I feel guilty, like I ripped those years away from my parents when I was supposed to be out with them at amusement parks or movies or dinners. I didn't even eat with them at home, I stayed up all night alone and slept all day. I feel selfish and I still do it now and can't seem to stop. I try to spend more time in the living room around them but I still feel guilty.

Maybe I overthink it but sometimes I really worry that I'll lose my family and look back only to realize that I didn't spend enough time with them. Or that I wasted my youth feeling sad or anxious or angry. I really gotta get a job at school, not just for the money but so that I can say I survived both the classes and the work schedule, so I can buy something and be proud of myself.


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