I am trying to stay positive for the New Year and continue to do creative writing.  My moods often change for drastically than the wind!  Many might  think things are more easier for me but they are not. My mind races one hundred miles an hour and when my husband taks to me I am often not here. I told him today I feel like this pressure is inside of me and there is a little voice that is crying, then he told me something I never expected to hear, my husband the tough guy. The guy that he would beg his mother for some extra time to sleep in the morning, but had him up before the chickens, and would say you can sleep this afternoon, for that’s what they did down there, especially in the summer. Think about it no air conditioning no nothing. I use to sit by him in bed and he would tell me stories about back home and I would be like a small child well, a big-small child and listen to his stories like a child would. Anyway……. he said so do I. then I turned at him and said George there is a word for it called depression.   No, he said, that’s not it! I continued to tell him, yes, George that’s what the experts say.  Well, forget about the experts he would say!  An arogant guy, a funny guy, a hidden guy, a very proud and egotistic guy, a hot tempered guy, and oh yes a blasphomy guy, but he says that’s because he loves God very much actually, okay I would say that makes sense to me!  I think in spirit we are more like brother and sister than husband and wife.  We laugh, we joke, and we struggled very much in this marriage. I think, well, I know, if it was somebody else, all that we have gone though, we would not of been together. I would be so made that I would curse my fate nas wished that I never had met him, my dreams would leave me to a worse feeling than I could put into words……. So I guess……….one should not argue with their own fate, yet I had with mine…………I see that I had  lost him…….and I would look for him………. this type of painful lost would come over me and then it would seem so senseless.  I supose it is important to accept your fate, your life story is already written out before you even come, certain things anyway! I know it is a learning experience to become better people in many ways, to accompish certain things, to bring certain people on this earth, to send certain messaged as i have to in my case, though I do not know exactly how to achieve this and all that I must. I need I know to start for I have not much more time to waste, to guide my kids, but yet not live their lives out, not make choices for them, as they had done of mine! I want to continue to write so I can fully publish al of my lifes journey, all that I need to share and give strength to, but, for me of course I could not of been born just any ordinary person, for I am more complex that that, for I have been given certain gifts from God that sometimes seem like a curse to me!  Everyday, wake up, get dressed, brush teeth, take that shower, wash that face, open the door to face the world, put your best foot forward, think positive, think calm and peaceful thoughts, put your energy on getting things accomplished, for the days pass, as the wind passes, and you just don’t want to be left out in the cold with regrets of what might of been. I might of been a great writer, I might of been a great mother, I might of been that great scholar, that great doctor, that great teacher, live out each and every day to your fullest………. So you stumble, everyone elses doesn’t stumble? So you fall, no one else has never fallen? So you say I have my crutch, so I say the same friend, but look around you, who doesn’t have a crutch, a disability, a heart ache…… and I would say to you no one! Try to rejoice each and everyday…. do what you were meant to do on this earth, learn, love, have compassion, be like a small child in heart and in spirit!  For the sun will come up on your darkest days, I know they did mine! God bless you! Love-Ekaterini-Kathy

1 Comment
  1. buffster 13 years ago

    \..I believe its our "flaws" & not our "perfections" which give us color & character & make us so much more interesting people..yes..you could have been many things..we all could have been..however you are the one thing which no one else in the world "past present ‘or future" can be..& that is the most perfect "Kathy" there is..as for George..remember woman & men are wired up differently..coupled with the fact he is from an "old world" background where such things as "depression" are considered a sign of weakness instead of the real medical condition it is..you will survive..and so will your marriage..good luck & be strong Ekaterina..\

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