The Following blog is a experiment, that will lead the audience into a very difficult topic. It is my attempt at probing into a deeper and more serious topic of OCD. To help guide me through what is phobia and what is real, I have to go back over my life and review certain events. If you are not mature enough to handle adult topics, then you might not want to read further. After this point the blog will get into some very sexual explicit material. If you are under 21, you may not be mature enough to handle the context of this blog.

Many people have asked me over the years if I masturbate, and I always take offense at the question. I take offense not because I think masturbation is a evil thing. If done correctly and under healthy conditions, it can be a enjoyable experience. I take offense to the person asking the question, because I don’t feel the have a right to know those things about me.
First let me clarify some things. I personally am very open about my sexuality and not afraid to engage into conversation on the subject. What I don’t like is for people to take that information as a method for attacking other people. Everyone is freaky, and it is not a bad thing.
Now in doing weird sexual things with my body, doesn’t make me gay, it makes me freak and crazy yes, but not gay. Most of the time I like to do things because I am curious about the end results.
It all began many years ago, I was 10 or 11 years old. I was sleeping in my room, with my robe on. Why I had a robe on I do not know. I like sleeping with warm blankets on, and I don’t really like sheets, unless they’re the nice silky kind, that rub on your body and make you feel good all over. Those sheets are ok. Anyway, I was sleeping in my room, and I was dreaming back to my second grade class. I walked into the classroom, and I was wearing the robe that I fell asleep in. Then when I turned to see what was going on, people were laughing at me. I looked at them and said, “why is everyone laughing?” then I suddenly came to realize I was naked in front of the class. It was rather embarrassing situation to be in, I don’t know what happen after that moment because I woke up. When I woke up, I felt like I was urinating in my bed and was kind of concerned. I went to the bathroom to prevent my self from wetting the bed. When I got to the bathroom to urinate, I discovered I had this strange white gooh all over me. I didn’t know what it was, but it was sticky and somewhat smelly. I felt kind of weird at that moment and leaped into the shower to wash off, before anyone would notice. I went back to the bed to see if the mattress was wet, it turns out, it wasn’t. I said that is strange, my underwear was covered in gooh, and my bed was completely dry. Because I was 10 years old, I didn’t really understand what had just happened.
It is important to know at this point of my life I have had the good fortune of seeing the naked female body, but only in magazines. I don’t know how gay people feel, but when I see the human female body in all its galore, I get this warm feeling all over my body, and I thank the gods that I am a man. I don’t think women can fully appreciate what the female body does to a man. It doesn’t really matter the age, but the effect is wonderful. When you’re a teenager, your hormones are developing, so you are from one extreme to the next. Its not till you get older that you learn how to control these feelings. I think the testosterone somehow mixes in the brain, and cause the man to ignore all sane thoughts. It is also important to say, that I don’t have that reaction with men. I see guys that are good looking, but I don’t feel an urge to make love to them. When I see a beautiful woman, I get this urge to want to run over to her, rip off all her clothes and hump her right there. Unfortunately because we live in a civilized society now, people don’t live that way anymore. Many times its not really even the visual stimulation, but the aroma. Some woman smell so good, it just drives me wild. To connect a point, I slowly realized that the bat of the man, was meant to fit in the glove of the woman. That’s why they call it baseball.
Over the years, I have come to learn many of these sexual energies, come from anger and hate, that is unresolved. These stored up energies build in your mind over and over, whether you want to release them or not, they will be released. For a long time, because I didn’t have a girlfriend, I often thought that maybe I was just weird. But after watching a ton of playboy TV and interacting with people over the years, I have come to learn many of the phobias in my mind are of my own making. When I was a teenager, masturbation was more of a curiosity, but when I became a young adult, I began to wonder if it was better to masturbate on your own, or just wait for the dream to hit. I felt it was better and more healthy to masturbate in a controlled environment. Also from a practical sense, I would have to wash less underwear. I learn the shower was a really good place. You can wash up, take care of your business and wash it all down the drain. Also the surgeon general was saying it was ok to do that, because it helps prevent disease. I of course don’t want to get AIDS or Herpes, or any sexual transmitted disease. Sometimes to with the best intention, the evil part of you takes over and it feels really good. I am not writing this to gross anyone out, but more of a informative work. Many people probably go through some of the same things I did, but the don’t take it to extremes. When mixed with OCD, you tend to compulsively live out fantasies, that are stored in your mind. As I became older, I started to watch allot of TV, and in many shows, they seemed to be encouraging woman to masturbate with sexual toys. I kind of felt jealous. Why is it ok for a woman to masturbate in private and a man is forbidden. Then I discovered this wonderful website called www.mypleasure.com. On the site they had these wonderful articles about sex toys. The ones that stuck out to me, were the ones on sleeves. If your not familiar with a sleeve, it is the male equivalent sex toy to the females dildo. I myself purchased the “sapphire seductress”, and it is a 5 and a half inch sleeve. When fully erect your probably poke through the other side, which is kind of good for a man. The sleeve is very comfortable and will make you come right away. No mater how slow or fast I try to use it, it feels really good. I have come to learn that men aren’t really meant to last long. That is why woman invented foreplay. I have learned how to make love to a woman fore many hours, without selling out the goods. But I have learned, once you let go as a man, that is a point of no return. It feels really good to. It is like in one moment in time all your anger and frustrations are gone. You know you hear comedians talking about this in their shows, but it doesn’t seem real, but it is true. I think that when a man is cranky it is a sign that they need to poof, and also when women become really bitchy, the need to have a moment of release also.
Well later on after a while I met Bethany, she was abused as a child when she was young, and I did a report on her. In researching the mental disorders associated with sexual abuse and people who commit sexual abuse, I started think that maybe I was sexually abusing myself over the years. I started to think that maybe it was possible for people to sexually abuse themselves. This is one of the reasons why I stopped. I came to realize that masturbation although is wonderful, it is not healthy to do. All it does is pervert the mind. It also perverts the heart. It is ultimately the most selfish way people can harm themselves. In a strange way, having come to the realization that masturbation was wrong, and that I had OCD, has made me see life from a totally knew perspective. Instead of focusing all my energies on myself, I needed to learn to let people into my life and to let go. I think the urge to masturbate, engage in homosexual activity, or the urge to rape other people kind of evolve from the same sense of trying to be in 100 percent control of everything in your life. By obsessing over being in 100 percent control you end up doing compulsive things, in this case masturbation.
A relationship is built on trust, trust in yourself and trust in the other person. That is why it is important to not have sex until you are married. To truly make love to another person, you have to let go of your freewill, and let your passion run free. This requires complete trust of the other person. If the people are selfish or only really there for themselves, true passion cannot manifest. All that there is is a perversion of the truth. It is an artificial reality that both people need to make up to give reason to their actions. It is still a lie, pure love can’t manifest in a lie.