I'm surprised stressed is not on the mood list because it would certainly describe me right now. I've been away for a while because the internet was down. A lot of things started happening about that time too. I found out a cousin I haven't met in a while has cancer. She wouldn't talk to anyone about it except my mom because she doesn't want a bunch of people to come and visit her in her home when she can barely sustain her own family. She was diagnosed at the end of summer last year. The doctors only gave her two months to live but she is thankfully still alive. I know she doesn't see it that way because of all she is going through. I know that she is only barely holding on by a thread. I'm not just going to lose her but another cousin too. He is dealing with bad kidney failure and dialisis has quit working because after so many times it has shrunk his veins to almost nothing. He doesn't want to go until his two daughters are well off. It makes me so mad and frustrated that this has to happen to two good people.
My sister started being a pain again. Everytime I turn around she has some new reason to try and put me down. I take care of her son when she is gone and almost all the time when she is home. She won't give him the time of day because she is too wrapped up in talking to her "fling thing" bf on the phone. At dinner she told my dad that I didn't want anything to do with my nephew, but all I ask is for her to spend time with him so I can have some time to myself.
My dad for a week left me alone for the most part. Then he came back in full force, harrassing me over every little thing. I do mean everything. Take today for instance. He was arguing with my sister, the one I mentioned above at breakfast. I got dragged into it. I made one comment about her bf and how ditzy she has been acting lately then my dad just keeps on. After dinner my dad started to take out the trash then asked me to help when he found it over full. He said, "I wish yall wouldn't do this." I of course said, "It doesn't matter, because they do it anyways." He nearly flipped out, acted like he was going to hit me and told me to stop arguing with him. I must of missed something because I don't see how that was arguing with him. After he yelled at my little brother for not coming sooner to help him, I told him straight out that I was not disagreeing with him and redeclared what I had already said. Did he listen to me? No, he came back in and slammed the door, glared at me, then went to his room. Between the two of them (my sister and dad) today has been the worst of the past few days. They all just keep pushing at me and pushing finding whatever they can think of just to make sure I'm miserable. I feel like a trapped animal in a cage that is constantly being pelted with rocks.
I had to restore my computer because a music file my brother put on the laptop made it start acting wierd. I am frustrated because I lost a lot of things I was writing, things I had no desire to lose. Still it happened. I was so upset I just had to walk out of the house and sit out in the cold until I was certain I could hold myself together. My dad and my sister found that as an opening to torment me so I went outside multiple times that day. I've no desire to add anymore music to my computer anymore if it means going through that again.
The last time I caved was in front of my bf. I cried for a long time because my sister had told me that no one wanted me around. I know it is true in my heart because I've been told over and over, but I have no where else to go and they are my family. I spoke to my bf a few times after that and told him about my cousins who were dieing and I couldn't even go to visit them. I don't want those I care about to see what is happening, but I think after a while I won't be able to hide the fact that I'm breaking.
You know how stress can cause physical pain? Yeah, I've been dealing with frequent headaches/migraines, and muscle pain in my chest and left side. No it is not heart related. When I start getting really tense that is when it starts but after a good cup of coffee and a few seconds to breathe (don't get that often) then I'm all set until it starts again. At this rate my ability to cope with all that is going on will end. I know it. I can't keep going like this, but I don't know what more I can do.