I'm starting to think there are two personalities in me, this sweet person in which I'm often refered as, and then this crazy, ranting, phyco, that can'tbelieve in anyone or anything.
My life (joke) is filled with nothing but complete andtotal misery, I'm never far away frommisery no matter how hard I strive, run, deny, fight, or flee. I have these crazy momentsof fantasy in which I'm living a different life, sometimes there based on punishing people for what they've done, oh no here comes Ms. sweetness feeling guilty for saying that, then the angry person comes back and it's into the fantasy, I am still very angry over this situation and I hate myself for not getting past all this sh@t, but still living captive with no car, no income, no way to do anything makes me a psyco., also no electricity for a year and 4 months in my part of the house and the list of needed things is very long, its making me crazy!!! There is no way up , no way out, no way…..I cannot understand why, why, why? I'm like an egg sitting on the very edge of the counter, fragile, vunarable, needing to be pulled back away from the edge,but there I sit on the verge of falling, cracking open, and my life ozing out., what's left. Dam here's the anger again like boiling water, I want to lash out,curse, crush my opponents,I want victory, I need victory, I deserve victory.
But I am soooo tired, my body is wary, broken down, my spirit trampled, mangled, destroyed, my heart is closed, my human nature shut down, I've lost myself and that is the true tradgey. I no longer have passion, desire,trust, a sense of self.
I think that dating 2 different guys triggerd alot of anger in me, due to the way they treated me. The fist man was an arse, he picked me up and the first 5 minutes in the car with him he insulted me by saying he had a membership to a gym we should use because i neede to get in shape….not that i don't agree i need more exercise, then he said he didn't do bars……wher'd we go? To a bar…where did we sit at the bar….he announced afer 2 shots of tequila and 3 beers he had herpes, loudly so everyone heard him I was like shhh, he's likeI don't care who hears me, then he wanted to share my foodI said fine…he continues to be wierd, then he's madly in love with me and is forcing me to comminent to only dating him and ther's so much more to this story, the date lasted 7 hrs ! The 2nd date the man shows up to pick me up in a red porche, he gets out and he's nasty hasn't taken a shower, he's been working on a truck, next thing i know were going to his house to work on his truck….we end up going to the grocery store and i cooked him dinner as he doesn't cook hung out he built a bonfire we sat on a blanket talking next thing i know he all over me touchig me on top of me all over me! Then I jump up oncest he gets off me and we aet dinner then he puts on a movie then he wants to spoon with me on the sofa, he's touched me full body contact kissing my hands, kissing my arms, I'm not comfortable and I said so, [email protected] jerk, i finally ask him to take me home, alot more to this story as well.
Aparently ther are alot of women that are loose but I'm not one of them! I haven't been with a man outside of my last relationship in 13 yrs., not even a kiss ! I'm not ready for someone to treat me like I'm a tramp, I hate this mess ! I'm better off alone. Remember these dates were our first dates, both of them. Now there's another man asking me out…hell I'm terrfied, lol,…..wher's my mace and knife?
I suppose these men see these big boobs and of course they all need to comment on em' and they think as one mansaid I want to watch them jiggle when were in different positions. I'm at a loss on being single, be a who@e and I guess everything will be great, at least for one of us, I feel like I've regressed back to high school. Didn't like it then… don't like it now !
Hope this hasn't insulted any men on here as it most certainly insults me to haft to write this.