I had an OCD attack tonight.  For some background, I have a severe jaw disorder where just about everything that can be wrong with it is wrong (my meniscuses, my muscles, my bones there all have permanent damage).  This causes me frequent pain and muscle tension.  I often have to fight back the OCD adding to my distress by having that thoughts that because my head hurts so bad "my head must be imploding/exploding" or something like that.  I normally try to ignore that.

But tonight, I was rubbing along the muscles just in front of my ear for knots (which are nearly always there).  I pushed hard on the right side, trying to get out the "knot", but it wasn't a muscle knot; it was part of a bone, and I actually felt it move on the left side of my head where my other hand was!  To test that I had actually done what I thought I had done, I pushed on the left side in the same spot, and I felt the right side move!  I started to freak out.  Thoughts came into my head that I was actually moving my brain around in my head in order to push the bone on the other side of my head, and now my brain must be bruised and bleeding.  So I tried thinking rationally.  I do have some introductory knowledge of skull anatomy, and I thought it might be the sphenoid bone I was moving (which actually does span from one side of the head to the other inside the skull) which was a frightening thought.  But when I dug up skull anatomy pictures, I realized the sphenoid was too close to the eyes to be what I was pushing.  It was right at the TMJ, so it could either be the temporal bone or the mandible.  But I kept thinking I must have internal bleeding or something.

Instead of just heading to the ER (which is what I previously would have done), I ended up calling this hotline for people with mental disorders in my area and I asked the guy there what he thought the logical thing to do would be (after I had to explain to him what OCD was, don't even get me started on the ineptitude of the mental health professionals in my area in regards to OCD).  He actually told me it would be wise to see my doctor about it tomorrow.  Later, I even asked my mom about it, and after giving me the old, "Oh Amber, what are you saying; that's impossible!" type thing she normally says in those situations, she actually said something that calmed me down.  She said it might just be my jaw (she meant my mandible) moving because it's all connected around the head, and because I go to a chiropractor a lot and so my jaw might be a little loose.  That actually makes logical sense to me, so it calmed me down a lot.  So now I'm just gonna head to bed tonight and see either a medical doctor or a chiropractor about it tomorrow.

Man, did this freak me out for awhile though.  I seriously kept thinking if I didn't go to the ER tonight, I'd wake up with brain damage.  It did make me more anxious with my bedtime rituals, though.  Putting on facial moisturizer and brushing my teeth took me AN HOUR AND A HALF tonight (it normally takes a half hour).  The OCD just wasn't satisfied with anything I did.  Augh.  Anyway, I'm finally ready for bed, thank God.  I'm still wondering what the doctor will say tomorrow, but at least I'm not crying in the ER right now telling them I have internal bleeding. *rolls eyes at self*

Anyway, have a good night everyone, and take care!