14 different words for "sad".
Since, i have been having issues with anxiety and depression lately and the "professionals" have none nothing but cause me more anxiety, i decided to once again, take matters into my own hands. My dream of seeing a neurologist for a brain disorder may never be met. and there may never be a test (yes there will, but for argument's sake…) for testing mental dis-ease.
When i bring up the fact that there has been nothing scientific about my diagnosis or treatment i am told this…"we go by how you say you are feeling. We diagnose you based on your emotions and reactions.", and then they go and compare me to "normal". so…what do i need them for. if the answer lies within me i already have it.
i wrote a 10 page, detailed medical record of every year of my life, covering the past 34 years of my life. And it's not just about me-i have an oddly amazing memory and recollection of events, personal and wordly. In the 10 pages it also contains important political and social events, music, presidents, tv shows…at first it was to figure out why i was diagnosed with 14 different mental illnesses, but i figured what a great opportunity to find out about the other important shit about me, like why i'm an atheist, why i'm a punk, why i never respected authority, why i never trusted the government, why i like trains, etc…
At first it was just gonna be a page of dates cooralating to mental breakdowns, but i made it into a ten page explaination of why i am the way i am. if you enjoy writing do this. it's cathartic and may be helpful. at the very least it is interesting.
Like i found out why i don't trust people and why i never believed in God…it's so interesting. and within it you will find a pattern of when you felt good or bad and what was going on. i realized that ALL of my bad times, not counting the first in 1994, were when i was on anti-depressants. knowing that changes everything…and if i was diagnosed while on drugs it is not valid to me, so i start over with no diagnosis.
my therapist, who i stopped seeing out of hatred of the psych industry has been trying to get me in to see him. i don't understand his motivation and he won't tell me. i asked him to help me go somewhere else. somewhere that doesn't make me have panic attacks. i do like him, which sucks, but i feel like he just wants to save me or take credit for the good i did with my life. All i've done is talk about my frustrations with this place with him. a total waste of time and money. he says he likes talking to me cause i'm interesting and entertaining…i am on medicaid-i'm going to a place where the majority (90%) look like drug addicts off the street or dangerous criminals. my therapist says it's nice to talk to someone that is normal and can have an intellectual conversation. my therapist needs a therapist if he looks forward to me…
I really enjoyed reading this. There is so much truth here. So many professionals are only worried about getting paid. It\'s horrible to go in somewhere and get the feeling that they could careless about you. Some of them don\'t care to know your name, or how you feel, or if you get better. I think it\'s funny what you said about the place you go. I also go to a mental health center where everyone looks like drug heads…there was even a guy in his jail uniform and handcuffs. I was looking around like what am I doing here? Why are these people here? I like your idea about writing. I think I will try it out 🙂
I too enjoyed reading your blog-thanks for sharing it.
LOL about your therapist needing a therapist.I was on medicaid awhile and travelled into the drug infested inner city ofr therapy. I think my therapist liked me too because I wasnt a crack addict or something.
In Nov I asked my psychiatrist to just listen to what i\'m saying for 2 minutes. he sternly said \”i\'m not your therapist!\” and got pissed.
so i see another doctor. last month i said the same thing \”can you just listen to me for 2 minutes\” i said \”Talk to your therapist\” he says.
Actual drug dealers spend more time with their clients…
And this therapy shit…always with the therapy. And they are not terrible people, but they have no answers. plus, why would i take advice from a stranger?
so, yea-i think i\'m better off figuring this shit out alone and in a somewhat crazy way.
whatever works.