..my mind is pounding from the headache i always get around this time i should be sleeping (4:27 a.m.). i was thinking and then reading and then thought, maybe i should vent on this blog… with the 1% chance that someone out of my 100's of people of my friends list my actually read it. eaither way i might feel a speck of relief afterwards which is probably more important. these four walls are killing me little by little, and everyday that i dont get to stroll down memory lane or laugh as hard as i did that ONE day 4 years ago, or even making random faces at people who walk by n then laughing hystericlly after their scared expression, starts to get to me. i miss the times where all i had to worry about was making sure i colored inside the lines, or not letting my father catch me sucking my thumb. i want back despratley what kept me laughing so hard i could pee on myself! where i could say the most random thing and still be understood and laughed at, but in a good way. maybe i'll get that back s0oner than later. i hate being on this rollercoaster of emotion. but whatever…even though it's not beneficial to what i SHOULD be doing at the time, i gotta say, i love when my mind wonders. its as close as i can get to what keeps me sane and as close as i can to touching a lil bit of my past. ok so i can see what she meant by being "emotionally detached". which might i add, is not always a bad thing, i mean… if i wasnt n im the way i am imagined if my mind body n soul were completley there. i'd be even more of a mess. right? its fun when my body goes numb and i let me thoughts give me a tour of my emotions. i get to see all the stuff i wonder about but never get to say. i see what coul've been but never got a chance to let it be. and i get to see the finish line before i even warm up at the starting line. everthing i cant do when im completley here…i can do when im detached. ok…so it may not be the best interest for my mental health. but so? half the things that people do arent good for them, but they still do it right? so before i sleep let me see cakes the size of buildings and turtles racing bunnies or the time i swore that my death would result in me laughing way too hard. then i might be able to sleep.

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