So since i can’t sleep i have had this revelation or if that’s what you want to call it. I’m here listening to my ipod. Random songs i happen to pick that appeal to me for right now. The songs that i pick are the ones that really question life and purpose and what happens beyond life. These are the songs i curiously picked:
Senses Fail- The Priest and the Matador
Sheryl Crow-Letter to God
Linkin Park-Breaking the Habit
Brand New-Jesus Christ
And there were others but here’s what i am going to talk about. I am probably going to sound fucking nuts which yeah i kinda am.
Why do i always feel so dark and alone. I have always felt that i am alone. So why is this? It’s because i really have and i may never know how to adjust to this. I am an only child to a single mom. But the dark part, where does that come from? Maybe you just develop it as you isolate more.
Why haven’t i killed myself yet? I know ever since my grandfather died that i really wasn’t afraid to die. Then when Jeremy killed himself that really sealed the deal on not being afraid to die. What is holding me back from all of this. Is it because i am really wondering what may happen to me in the future. Is it because maybe deep down inside i can really make something of myself? I don’t think it’s either, i think it’s because i don’t know what is going to happen to me after i am gone. Where do i go? Am i really going to be alone for real this time? Is there really a “heaven or hell?” Do i come back to this world as another person to start over? If just being reincarnated was really the answer then yeah i would love to start over and not remember anything of this former life.
Let’s be real also. People are too busy and move on so quickly so if someone died yeah people are sad but there is so much else going on that it’s just another page in the book. I felt like a lot of people i know just went on after Jeremy died. Maybe because no one was really connected with him like i was. And at the time of his death i wasn’t really that connected with him but i just knew from that email that something was up. So i guess we just had a connection that never really broke. When you spend so much time with someone you can just finish thier sentances. Thats the connection i am talking about. Maybe i’m afraid that people will just forget and move on. It’s going to happen either way i guess.
As we get older people move on, people have other things going on. They have family and then they have families. People find other friends as they move on. They find other intrests that help them or hurt them in the end. Peoples lives get defined more to what they really want or really hope for.
I have never been into the whole religion thing at all. I don’t think i ever want to because there are so many things that are black and white things with religions i don’t think i should have a choice that i can make already be made up for me. The gray area’s really make up me as a person. So is there that curiosity about maybe seeing what it is all about?
Now that i am back home here i feel like i am really nothing when i am in this household. I am having a lot of trouble with it and i am sure nothing is going to change for as long as i am here. Someone had to pick me or them and i didn’t get picked. So now i am pushing away and i am not sure if they like that or not. I doubt they do and they probably don’t know why i am doing it and they probably don’t know that i know what choice they made. So i will get out as soon as possible and now that it is warmer i may have to make an extreme choice not to live in that house and to maybe just be homeless. I am totally prepared for that also. My bags are packed i just need to put them in my car. Maybe then that person will relise that they know that i know about the choice they had to make and rethink it. I doubt that will really happen?
Maybe this is all nonsense and that i need to go to bed but i just felt like i had to say this. There was a lot more that i wanted to say but i couldn’t remember it all and it came pretty fast.