Some things are going well with me, some things aren’t. I got my Zyprexa for free from the manufacturer, for that I am grateful. My doctor’s decision to increase my Zoloft hasn’t done what he wanted it to do. I’m popping so many pills now, it’s ridiculous: Every morning I take: 1 risperidone, 4 sertraline (Zoloft), 2 multivitamins, 2 Zyprexa, 2 seroquel,  a fish oil, vitamin D, vitamin B, vitamin C, magnesium and ashwagandha, ginkgo biloba, ginseng, taurine and n-acetyl-cysteine. Phew, that’s a lot. And that doesn’t even include the Calm Aid and Ativan. How I wish my husband were home right now. I had a great day yesterday, and that was because he was home from work. It gave me a little taste of what life would be like if he became my IHSS worker. I need IHSS so badly. It’s contingent upon my qualifying for Medi-Cal. I just have to qualify for Medi-Cal! I just have to! I don’t care about the Medi-Cal itself, because I already have Medicare, but I need the Medi-Cal in order to get IHSS.

My husband will be home in two hours. Two hours might not seem like a lot to you, but when you’re dealing with the type of anxiety and psychosis that I’m dealing with, two hours feels like a very long time. It seems that when I want time to slow down, and when I want time to speed up, it slows down. I am getting to the point where I can’t wait for him anymore, I just fall apart. I need him here now!  How I wish I had IHSS already, having him home yesterday was such a relief. I was able to do things and I felt ok. Things still looked weird to my eyes, but I could handle it because he was here with me. I had a burst of energy early, I got the dishes done early, the bed done early, I got dressed early, and we took a hike. It was beautiful. I feel like I have to take another Ativan but I don’t want to. I was really only supposed to take 2 a day, which I’ve already done, and it should last me a month at that rate. But I had three yesterday, and four the day before that, so I need to chill and back off. I don’t want to run out before it’s time for a refill. Bits and pieces of my dreams keep popping up in my head. They were really weird, I won’t go into them. All I know is that I love my husband and I need him here with me! There are so many things I’d like to do, but I’m too afraid to do any of them. It’s severe agoraphobia, severe derealization, severe schizophrenia. Severe everything.

I don’t want to wait another hour and fifty minutes for my husband to come home. I need him home now! Things just don’t look right to my eyes. He told me not to forget that I have an illness, and that I always overcome. I always overcome! That means I will get through this. And I have my Zyprexa now, which should be taking effect soon enough, in a few weeks. I’m going to lie down for a nap. Have a blessed day.


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