I think I'm doing pretty good all things considered. I'm still mad as hell but I've decided that I am no longer going to put up with my family's bullshit. So today, when my brother was sent out to apply for jobs, I put it out of my mind. And after he came home 5 or so hours later and informed us that all he did was drive around looking for hiring signs, I decided that I wasn't going to bother with helping him figure things out. Why should I hop in my car and drive around town teaching him how to get a job when he couldn't even be bothered to help me for 30 minutes last night?

What's pissing me off still is that my parents, my Dad included, are continuing to make excuses for him. My Dad said that he "probably needs help" because "something is bothering him" and he "probably doesn't know how to apply for jobs". He also said that "he'd be okay if he hadn't been picked on in school and had friends."

It's funny they say that because I was sexually harassed and even hit a few times in 7th grade. It was so bad that I became clinically depressed and cried every day. I'm also convinced that this is when I began having anxiety attacks that went undiagnosed for 6 years.

Nothing improved in 8th grade either. I didn't talk to anyone and still cried a lot. And in 9th grade, I felt fat and began punishing myself by not eating. This, of course, made me tired a lot and my period became irregular.

But no one noticed the torment I was in. Not one single person. I was in, quite possibly, more pain than I ever had been before and ever have been since and no one cared then and no one cares now. My life was turned upside down at the age of 13 and still isn't what it used to be. I used to play tee-ball and then later softball. I was a majorette for 4 or 5 years. I had friends, I was happy. And now I'm an introverted, angry, anxious mess. But who gives a fuck?

The difference between my brother and me is that no one gave a shit about me. I was forced to get a job anyways, told to grow up, get over it, and move on. My brother, who didn't go through half the shit I did, is being pitied like a wounded puppy. So I'm going to let those two deal with him, especially since my Dad also just said that if my brother wants to get a job to buy video games, that's fine. It's not about the money, it's about getting out of the house once in a while. And yet, last year, when I wanted to pay for half of my boyfriend's plane ticket to see me, my Dad cursed me out and said that I couldn't do it. His exact words were something like, "You're not fucking paying for his fucking plane ticket when his family is fucking rich. I WON'T FUCKING ALLOW IT."

So he ruined my entire 21st birthday over money but my brother can spend all his income on video games and that is fine, totally fine, because it's "not about the money". What the fuck ever. I'm so frustrated that all I can bring myself to do today is cry. I don't know why I went from being angry to being hurt so fast but it really stings thinking about all the pain I've experienced in the past 10 years. I think it just hurts that I'm still being overlooked and I'm still fighting to get on track, to feel less insecure, to be angry less, to trust more…I'm trying so hard, forcing myself into scary situations knowing they'll be good for me in the end, and I'm still being put down and ignored.


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