Today sucked. I went to my doctor to ask for Wellbutrin and he treated me like crap, belittled me and wascondescending towards me. I did speak up and say that we didn't seem to have a good relationship, that I felt attacked and condescended to and that he seemed to dislike me. He immediately changed his attitude, began validating my feelings and finallygave me the prescription I'd been asking for, afterargueing with me about for 30 minutes of course. He wanted me to try Paxil but I have not tolerated SSRIs well in the past and I'm not looking to gain weight right now, he didn't think this was a good enough reason. And he didn't like that I planned to only take it for about 6 months since we are planning to try for our second baby then. I know that's not ideal but I still think it's better than nothing and I'm not going to take the change of hurting my baby with meds. He squinted his nose and talked in a higher pitched voice, like he was talking to a child. I felt so defeated and frustrated andsaid "Fine I will just keep doing what I'mdoing" to which he said "Well now I just feel like your giving push back". He again suggested I see a psychiatrist which I reminded him had a three month waiting list and again suggested I talk to a therapist which I informed him I already had. What a douche. Am I not allowed to be informed and in charge of my own care? Am I suppossed to go in having not read up on meds and say "Oh please please doctor God tell me how to fix my ouchies cause I am too stupid to come up with any ideas on my own". I get along with all the specialists I've ever worked with but I can't find a primary care physician with decent bed side manner to safe my life, and my intolerence of being spoken down to only makes the interaction worse. Then I came home and my husband started dogging on me and picked a fight over him starting dinner instead of me. It was so stupid and obviously passive-aggressive, but he's so incapable of breaking down and identifying his feelings in order to discuss them calmly that instead he just shits on whoever is around.Who the hell knows why he's really upset. I sure don't, pretty sure he doesn't either. I'm just in a really fragile place right now and I don't have the strength or thick enough skin to argue with him, but when I say that to him he mocks me. My baby is 1 year old and on top of massive sleep deprevation for both of us, I think I've been experiencing undiagnosed postpardum anxiety & OCD. I just want it to stop so I can enjoy my baby but I'm really struggling. I feel like thier is a dirty cloud of negative chatter in my head including instrusive images of losing my baby. It's tainting what is suppossed to be an amazing experience. I can't seem to live in the present because I'm so worried about the future. It really doesn't help when my husband acts like a jerk either because thenI imagine him leaving me (and sometimes him dying as well)where would I live, how would I support myself, how would that impact our baby, would I ever date again, would the next guy be trouble and cause emotional damage for my baby. Basically, a lot of worries about my baby. Anyway that's my story for today, feels kinda good to write about it, I feel a little lighter now.