So, I am pretty peaceful right now, because I finally deleted my Facebook and Myspace accounts. This is something that I hated and was always like a dark cloud over my head, but I could never get the courage to delete them. I was always afraid of how others might see me after I deleted them or how they would react. But, I feel so relieved right now and like I am finally embracing my new life. I am limiting my connections to my mother as much as possible, because she just is negative towards me and always has a bad effect on my life. So many of the people that were my "friends"on Facebook and Myspace, just had a bad effect on me and didn't care about me at all. It made me feel very bad about myself. I can't be myself on there and no one on there would ever talk to me or ask me how I was or anything, yet they wanted to be friends. It was just so fake and I have been so sick of it for so long. I am so happy that I did what I did. I need to focus on the positive people in my life and the people who care about me and let go of the people who are negative towards me or just make me feel unwanted, uncared about and unloved. It is quite sad, because one of those people is one of my brothers, and I don't know how our relationship is going to be anymore. I haven't known how it is though since I was 16. Anyway, moving on, I don't want to drone on forever. I'll sum up why my day was so crappy- 1.) I had to goto this new doctors office, an allergy place, and spend hours there, as well as get a very uncomfortable test done. Thetest left me with such high blood pressure that Ihad tremors all day, and even though I only gotthree hours of sleep last night, Iam still having trouble being tired enough to go to sleep. Ihave been having a severe bout ofinsomnia for the last 24-48 hours. I also have to go in for moreuncomfortable testing in a week, which needless to say, I am not looking forward to. 2.) My cat got sick with diarrhea and it went all over the floor. He then proceededto try to cover it up, like the good cat he is, and he got it all over his paws. Then, the other cat, Shadow, ran through it. So, after finally cleaning up the diarrhea, I had to give them both mini-baths in the sink to get all the poop off. I was still having tremors and really high blood pressure.Cleaning them without thatwould be difficult enough, but that hadto be added on. Like mostcats, they don't like baths, at all.
So, all in all, I don't know, my day just felt pretty crappy. Oh yeah, on top of that, I had to go pick up my husbandfrom work since I had thecar, and since I am sleepdeprived, I got lost. It wasn't fun at all and didn't do wonders for my bloodpressure. I found out today that my doctor wasn't supposed to prescribe me aninhaler, as I don't have asthma. So, it was just raising my blood pressure, which already isn't in the best range. Wrapping this upnow, my mom hasbeen calling me the last 2 nights and she left me amessage last night, so tonight I turned off my phone. I really don't want to speak to her. She hasn't changed andnever will. This was proven when we went for our family visit to California in December with how selfish and inconsiderate she was of us and our time there. I can't go into all the details right now. My mother is too much to explain, trust me. She talks forever and needs to talk about EVERYTHING for hours upon hours, until it is resolved. It was torture growing up that way. I used to wish she would just give me a spanking instead of talking me to death until 3 am. She talks and talks and talks forever and a lot of it is the same stuff being repeated like you didn't hear her the first time. It is very frustrating. I have tried to handle things with my mother time and again, but she is a child. She can only see things her way, and she thinks she can see them your way, but she can't and she doesn't understand why you don't agree with her on everything. She needs you to agree with her or talk it to death if you have a different opinion, until you basically agree with her. I just want her out of my life. She is always making me feel like crap and never supporting me. She fake supports me, if you know what I mean. But, its total lies and I can see right through it. Sorry to be rambling. I have so much pent up anger about my mom. She has done so many things to me throughout my life and she apologizes and then does them again, so I can't forgive her anymore. I already have enough times and I am not responsible for her shitty childhood, that she complains about whenever I will listen. I shouldn't say "will" though, as many times she has made me listen, trying to prove to me all the time how much better my life is than hers. I wish I could just get her out of my life for good, without it turning into some long conversation about "why".
"Why don't you want to talk to me? What did I do? I've apologized haven't I? I can't change the past. Lucas isn't my favorite, I just give him more attention now, because I didn't give him any as a child… You know, you've made mistakestoo. You're not perfect. Youknow, I had a right to tell you that I didn't like you notasking me about the boys on Christmas. They're my kids and I'm their mom." Iwas only there for 1 week! I hadn't seen them in 6 months and she didn't have any plans to get themthatday! I asked her and she didn't want to be pressured to make plans! She always has to do things spur of the moment and then when you make plans it'syour fault and you should've asked her, again, right before you did it.And on and on and on. I'm sure you get the idea. Sheputs in every critical remark and every who, what, when, why question she can think ofwhen talking and she's very quick to blame other people for her problems, especially me and my dad. She lovesto say how shitty my dadtreated her, and blah, blah, blah forever. If you wanted child support money, then you should have filed for it! You have no one to blame butyourself. Anyway, I'm just really angry right now and pent up. I am never going to stop going on about all the little details that she does, if I don't stop now. I haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg.