Where did my will to continue to fight this go? Where did my plans and goals go? I know maybe I might be able to get better or atleast be in a better situation in the future if I dont die and if I push myself hard enough. But what is the motivation?
What’s the point in getting a life if you are going to be alone? Like I said before in my blogs, I find it hard to understand the meaning of life. It bothers me. Even if you find somebody you like/love, family, friends we all are going to die. We are going to be dust and eaten by worms. What’s the point in life then if you are not going to remember nothing not even that you excisted. Some people believe in heaven or hell. But if that excist I guess most of us are going to get burned for eternity. I have seen self- mottulation videos and it doesnt look something I would want. I have revd the bible not everything but it seems more like a story like everything else. Once I had faith. I admit back then I was happierbut I also believed in fairy tails too, until I found out what real life is. Sad part is that I haven’t even experience half of what the people in for example country with wars had been through. Places where they behead people just for religious reasons or female circumcision. There are alot of bad things going on. I can’t help but feeling bad about it. This whole planet makes me sad.
Some people say live everyday like it is your last day. I sometimes think maybe they are right. Maybe you should not worry to much about things and just try to enjoy and be happy. But I can’t, it seems I’m the one making myself sad, killing myself with the things I do, the things I eat etc its kind of suicide.
When the doctor told me this and ask me why I do this I could’nt help but think why am I still here if im unhappy? I just dont understand. I feel I won’t be able to continue my life with these life questions I have locked up in my head.
The worst part is there is no answer. Everybody has its own answer based on experiences, morals, believes etc but how do we know if that’s the right answer? Because we feel in our heart’s that it is the right one?
Well I remember the last time I felt something good and positive in my heart it turned out to be completely something else and it wasn’t good for me either. Sometimes we hang on hope to have something to live and fight for. I guess there is nothing wrong with it. But when you lost is how can you get it back? It’s not like there is a store you can buy hope.
I don’t know why I’m feeling so lost. I wish I could understand this world, myself and other people. I wish I could communicate, talk or even chat online with people. I’m trying I failed at school but I haven’t give up yet. I’m looking for a job in the mean time to save some money, get healthy so that I can atleast function okay. I will do this, try, but I just feel it is or nothing. Like the actor it feelslike when I die it will be like I never been here. Like my life has no meaning, it is not worthed looking at where we all going to end up. That;s the reason I’m not able to pull that trigger or sleep on a rail etc..I fear life and death. I’m caught in my mind and body, a small prison and I dont have much oxigen left it feels. I’m going to try to make a hole to make some air come in but I am so full of these thoughts and questions. I ‘m messed up and I know most people would think I’m crazy. Don’t blame them, I think I’m going crazy too.
