Things are really weird now. Before, I felt low all the time. I slept all day and got up to eat and then retreat again to sleep. Now I can function, I do things around the house, cook dinner for my family and work out. But I feel like this gives a different impression than the reality…I feel awful…I feel crazy.
My mood swaps from being only moderately low to suicidal by the hour. I don’t have any manic episodes which is why I really think I’ve been diagnosed correctly with clinical depression. But I can’t talk to anyone for fear of being hospitalized(my biggest fear).
This life, it really isn’t one. Being at home is so weird because I should be at college earning my degree. I’m not accomplishing anything…instead I’m growing apart from everything and everyone. Who would wait for me? Who would put in the effort to get to know me again? It would be easier to just give it up and move on. I haven’t talked to anyone in two weeks, I’m supposed to talk to someone tommorrow, but I’m so afraid to say anything and to hear what people have to say.
More than anything, no matter how people have treated me(not so kindly in the past year) I want to know that they would still want to put effort into being my friend,l that my life isn’t too much trouble to deal with. But who could blame them I guess because I’m not there and haven’t been for over a month. Maybe things are better now that I’m not there…but that would break my heart to hear that they prefer college sans me even though some have said that in the past.
I just really need to know, I guess and the thing is, I don’t feel like can’t handle the answer. They’ve already: ostracized me, told me I was a bad person, told me they didn’t want to be friends with me, taken that back, talked behind my back, and replaced me in housing for next year. I don’t know how I’ll deal with their rejection but i think I could….If I wanted to.
Its just that I’m so scared about going back next year, even if my friends say they accept me and are there for me…none of them are empathetic to what this feels like