I am so sorry that I have been absent for so long.  I have been trying to be positive on my own, attempting to "beat" depression.  I know it is not advised, but I stopped taking antidepressants, I don't see a therapist anymore, and have fooled myself into believing that "thinking positive makes for a positive outlook."  Well, I can tell you it kinda works.  I can pretend to be ok, most people believe me, and no one really knows that I suffer from depression, but it is getting very tiring.  I keep positive, when others talk negative about things I spin it and give an upbeat response to make things lighter, but it seems that all this weighs more heavily than accepting that I do suffer from depression.

It is difficult to accept that I do suffer from depression, especially since my husband thinks that it is "all in your head" and believes it is as simple as wanting to be happy" in order to be happy.  I was going to counseling; it is a very difficult thing for me in the first place, therapy.  I don't trust people… when I first started therapy the MD and PhD only wanted to ram pills down my throat.  After that experience I stopped going to therapy for about 6 years.  I returned to therapy after feeling like I was drowning… I honestly felt like I was at the bottom of a pool about to let my last breath go.  I just felt overwhelmed and alone.  A very dear nurse recognized that there was more wrong than just the simple blues and encouraged me to start therapy. 

I started therapy in 2009, I think; I am so bad with dates.  My therapist was AWESOME, and after a year of therapy she thought it best I start on meds.  I don't really like meds but I agreed to starting taking them… may I be honest?  I started taking them, but after a month or so I stopped.  I never told anyone that.  I pretended all was fine and that the meds were doing their job.  Unfortunately for me my therapist became pregnant and left her practice in 2012.  It was very difficult to even start going to her and now I am left alone, again.  I so wish my misery could end, I hate the meds… yeah yeah I know, meds will help me, I just feel so zombied by them.  I feel like the "happiness" is too fake and I don't know what's real and what’s not.  Like I am happy for everything, even things that I usually don't give a shit about.

I am sorry this is a book, there is just so much bottled up. I have a 6yr old kid, and this child has proven to make my life a living hell.  I absolutely love my kid, it is just that the behavior that is being expressed is not appropriate and it is driving me insane.  My 6 yr old throws some major tantrums, to the point of punching, kicking, biting, and a LOT of yelling and screaming.  My baby has even tried to run away on two occasions because it my child does not get it the way my child wants it… not to worry my kid does not go far and hides in the bushed next to our place. 

I have tried everything, from talking nicely to screaming and yelling, I have praised good behavior and ignored the bad, bought prices for good days and taken away things for the bad.  Things seem to work for a little while, and then it goes back to the same horrible behavior.  And yes, I have even spanked my child, no worries I spoke to the pediatrician and the counselor for advice before I started spanking.  I just feel lost.  I feel like I am horrible parent who has failed her child in the worst possible way.  I truly feel like a failure and this is where my depression becomes amplified.  My husband doesn't really help, he blames me for being lenient, or mean, or … I just cannot win.

I just wish my struggle would end, and soon.  I have never "said this out loud" but I feel like the only reason I am still alive is out of guilt.  I truly don't want to be here, but I am a coward and won’t do anything.  I have too much guilt in what this will mean for my kid, will my kid think it was because of something that they did? Will this cause more harm to the behavior that it already in place?  Will my baby be worse off, I would hope better.  I just feel conflicted, I want to live to assure my kid that I am here for whatever the need is, but I also just want it all to end.  Why can't I get cancer?  That way I can go without anyone thinking it was anyone’s fault.  Or maybe a heart attack?  I just want to go… especially in a way that it will be easiest on my kid.  I pray to get sick and end this pathetic journey I call life.

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