so, I'm having a really bad night. when I was purging some came out my nose and it burned like a motherfucker.
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but i got through it. then had to sit through a movie (at home) with mom, "The mummy" was playing, she freaking loves that and the second one. (there's only two, right?)
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i mean it's okay but it's not my thing.
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then I had to go save my kitty cat from dad, because apparently when Jasper tries to go into my brothers room (to mess with snowball, not in a hurtful but playful way…snowball is just….a sensitive dog) he throws a pillow at her.
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I didn't like that at all, he claimed that the pillow never hit her. but i wasn't risking it. so now jasper (who is in the process of destroying my room and getting under the curtian to look out at night sky) and my baby girl spicegirl (our other precious dog) is cuddling with me.
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I feel they know….my pets….whenever I go into that bathroom they know what i'm doing and spicegirl always tries to go in with me. she was actually the one who told on me when i was 16 (no one had even considered I had one before then, how did they not notice the continuing weight loss? hair loss? being cold all the time..)
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anyway i was in the hospital at that point and while my dad and brother were getting some things to bring for me. she kept circling the trash to the point she knocked it down and ripped it open herself.
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it revealed all the empty diuretic, laxatives,etc and the towel I purged on. (I'm mainly restrictive but at some point, nothing is okay not even water so i would hurl it up)
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i still denied it until my aunt saw me sneak food under the plates at the hospital, she asked me upfront if i did that (she is a kind,christian woman who i was close to when i was young…)
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i said no, she said she couldn't be here and watch me destroy myself, she didn't leave until mom came back but it scared her away. it's 'taboo" to her and she didn't want to deal with it.
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i don't blame her. things are better between us but I talk to her briefly because everything that she knew before and others she's doesn't would just scare her away again. mom called her curing my last suicide attempt (she had NO right to) and told her what i had to with my body and the pills.
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apparently she cried (i've NEVER seen or heard her cry. still haven't cause mom told me this) and that she praying for me.
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i won't reject prayers from others, but I myself can no longer pray. i don't know where I am when it comes to God. I don't know if i ever will again.
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but anyway back to the future, it was a bad hard day so I cut and burned again. that simple…
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but it's whatever…it's a daily routine at this point. I just hide the cuts and burns, put on a mask and face the day. even though I dont leave the house anymore, I still have to deal with this family.
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.as long as they don't know and won't use it against me, it's finally that i'm dying inside, broken and silently screaming. it's fine.
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because one day I won't be here anymore, I'll have faded away.
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