I feel so angry right now, and I feel like I just want to lash out on anyone that comes too close. In the same breath, i want to cry and hurt myself beyond recognition. I got rid of my cutting gear.. I’m thining about the hammer in my room .Maybe I could smash my skull in. Maybe I could break my arm or something.. oh wait I tried to break my arm by smashing it with a hammer before and that just left a whole lot of bruising. I don’t know.. maybe i’ll get that hammer and smash a window and use the glass to cause as much damage as possible.
It was wierd when I was talking to the shrink the other day, I said I was more a "Visual" person. I like to SEE the blood cause then I know I’m real, and I’ve done something. I like to see the scars, cause I know I did them. I like to see bruises, cause I know that I did them. An overdose.. you can’t see anything. Its all internal. I have to be able to see all that anger and rage on my body. I deserve it. I deserve every bit of pain that I could possibly do. Everything. The messier the better.
I want to smash the fuck out of something.. mostly myself. In the same breath i’m feeling out of it from the valium. Its stupid.. i’m stupid. I’m just this stupid messed up person. Everyone is against me. No body likes me. I’m just a burdon on everyone. I would like to just run away. Fuck everyone. Go of and die.. thats what dogs do right? hide away when they are about to die. Well I am a dog..a fat ugly dog. I don’t even diserve a bone. I deserve nothing. I am nothing, therefore I deserve nothing. A big fat waste of everyones time.
Without love, you have nothing.. I guess that means i’m nothing… but I allready knew that, so i’m not really surprised by that comment. How could anyone love someone like me? I’m so stupid, ugly, horrible, crazy, irratic, moody, dark person. I would love to just be able to do what I want. Maybe that’s what I will do.. just do what I want. I'[m 23.. fuck everyone. Fuck society. Fuck it. Its not worth shit. I’m probably better off on the streets, drug fucked. I’ll be willing to try any drug that came my way. Bring it.
If you don’t like me.. fucking tell me! don’t try to be smart and play your games. I’m sick of it. How anyone likes you is beyond me.