Who out there feels this?
synopsis:my mother is a constant stress trigger for me. It's been this way all my life. But it's not just me. She is a very difficult person to get along with. She is extremely bossy, overbearing, overly authoritative, constrictive, to top it all off she is a major compulsive liar. Example, she claims she has a pigs heart after surgery as a child, she went to Harvard, was ran over by an 18 wheeler and survived, and she is a federal agent, to name a few. These aren't even the sick twisted manipulative ones she's come out with throughout my life.
anyways, she came over to my house today (I moved out with my fiancé and our baby) to drop off laundry she washed for me (our drier is broke). Upon dropping it off (which I really do appreciate though she says I don't,) she started in on me with her bossy high energy pressuring me to do as she says when she says it. She was all in a hot headed fury unleashing that on me. She comes in my home, bosses me around, and takes my baby and sits and rocks with her while I'm on the phone in the nursery with her father who was telling me to have my mom leave. He knows how hard she is to handle but he's always gone along with it cause he loves me.
I nearly gouged her in the face because she was all up in mine. She has always treated me this way and it leaves me feeling extremely depressed, confused alone and yes somewhat guilty for how I respond, by lashing out. I've broken things, hit her, etc. now I'm on my own and this problem won't go away. Should I completely cut her off? I also am very alone because she's kept me close at her side needing her all my life so I never really made lasting friendships. I'm also a stay at home mom.
Please respond somebody I'm so alone in this
IF you are unable to sit down with her and make soem serious boundaries then yes, you may want to consider cutting ties. I woudl hope that you have a therapist you cna talk abou tthis with as well as us
You don't need to cut all ties, but set boundaries. A very easy one is to not rely on her for any favours. It is just something for her to lord over you and convince herself that she must look after you as you are not able to look after yourself. Ask a friend, neighbour, etc before asking your mother. Visits only – no favours. If you are idependent from her in all aspects, see if it makes any difference in her behaviour. Many parents have a hard time transitioning from a parent/child relationship to adult/adult relationship. A personality like this would make it even harder.
Good luck
Pickles
Thank you pickles- I need to make it be visits only you're so right. And that's hard too because being 23 and starting out in life without that much money puts me in a pinch such as this like dryer breaking and desperately needing clothes washed. However, like u said, rely on neighbors/friends. I could try neighbors I suppose I'm just a shy person when it comes to the world and I'm afraid of getting used and hurt. My mom has made it hard to keep friends she also has taught me what a mean cold world this is and if I let others in how bad they will use me. I guess I have to push past that. I definitely need to keep it at no reliance from mom rely on friends. I'm afraid if I don't build strong friendships now, with people I can really turn to In desperate times, I will be extremely alone without help when my mom is no longer alive. … Also, she shows up unexpectedly at my place and disturbs our peaceful family time sometimes. Hate to shut her out cause she is 190% alone (she's pushed everyone away all siblings relatives especially my father who married her and is still married n living w her but sleeps separate otherwise he would go to jail for murder). It makes me sad to see my mom hurting and alone and sad. However, if I don't shut the door on her she will take advantage of my kindness and stick her nose where it doesn't belong, criticize my parenting or housework skills , or just be rude. It drives me nuts!…. For what Sasha said, yes I have a therapist but she now wants me to see her weekly and already biweekly has been such a burden for me as a new mom, so I've been missing. I see my psych doctor this week and will talk about finding a new therapist I think. I don't like being pressured by my therapist it feels like it's all about making more money off more visits with me. All my venting till I'm blue in the face doesn't get me anywhere with her either. She dislikes how I go see her and vent so much I'm like wtf isn't this y I come??? F*ck!
all in all I'm scared to cut ties but I do know I need more friends my age. Back as a child it was harder not being able oy let anyone come over or me not being let out the house. But now I'm on my own I need to branch out for sure.
Thsnks for your insight both of you. I appreciate the time you took to care, as all too often I don't have anyone to turn to to care.
I have been there too. A young mom, staying at home, not alot of money. There are many FREE options out there to meet other mothers. Our local library had story time hour and toy swap programs and all the other people showing up are other stay at home moms. Also local parks and drop in programs. If you look around you will find them. I am hoping you live in a town not rural. Other stay at home mothers are in the same boat you are and right off the bat, lots in common! I think too having other socializing outlets will help you lean on your mother less, and balance out your relationship better. Hoping all the best for you. I know how exhausting an over bearing/negative mother can be.
Pickles
You just gotta stick up for yourself. gve her some rules for coming into your house. If she wants to keep it up then she won't see her grandchild.
My girlfriends mom is the exact same way, we live with her. Very bossy, always "right" , knows everything, "perfect". She's had 4 and raised only 2(one put up for adoption, the other her parents raised) yet thinks she's an epic mother. Compares our daughter to her own 2 babies she raised, thinking every single baby in the world is the same. That's one rule about parenting, don't compare babies. "well you guys always slept through the night" "your brother was walking by now" She reminds me of an old cranky grumpy lady, the "get off my lawn you kids" type. Which I've seen her do similar things before. Yet, I've also seen her run into her room and slam the door like an 8 year old, literally. She's 52ish. She's got 8 non blood grandkids. Brothers and sisters of her real grandkids, then a few whose parents are sister-like close friends to her daughter. She's always complaing about how bad they are and loud they are, etc.. I tell her to look up the definition of a "child" and where do you think the term "acting childish" came from. Children are childish for a reason.