I am really feeliing lousy. Very depressed. I'm hoping writing about it will help ease it some. This is more complicated than I will probably let on. It all boils down to trying to help my sister with her recently diagnosed depression. She's so bad off right now she doesn't even want to talk to my parents. However, I was able to get her to talk to me some tonight. A lot of her problems stem from her childhood. Our parents were great in a lot of ways. We always knew we were loved. They did a lot for us. However, we grew up in turmoil. Chaos. Conflict. My sister, although older than me, is just now starting to deal with this – and she is angry.
I was glad to be able to be there for her. I was fine with it, with the exception of the obvious sadness of what she is going through. Later however, It brought up issues of my own. Now I've been angry for the same reasons for a long time. I've been able to get over a lot of it. Reflecting on our conversation, however made me mad all over again. Plus, it brought back some additional issues from my own childhood.
I cried for quite some time tonight and feel physcially ill. I hate that she is going through this. I worry about her so much. Then, of course I have myself to worry about. How do I cope with a sister who is recently diagnosed depressed, parents who are hurt over her not wanting to see them, and my own issues on the matter. Plus, my own issues period.
I know i have to take care of myself first. I'll be the first person to tell you that. How do I do that though except for what I am already doing?
Every time I get upset it brings back old issues. Issues where there is nothing I can do about them. It's in the past and I just have to cope.
I've been coping a lot better lately but, I can't help it if sometimes I get upset over it. I have a right to be angry. Certain things from my past were horrible.
Then, I have to struggle with the realization that those things weren't my fault. Not my parents, not other circumstances.
I guess talking to my sister literally hit a little too close to home.
I'll bounce back. I am very resilient. I'm just feeling very depressed at the moment.