Anyone who has been subjected to my venting knows that I’m horrible with social situations and they cause me the most distress. They also know that I do not like the situation I’m in at my curent university where I was assigned a Master’s project without any real input. Also; I’ve been slacking off for a few weeks now because quite honestly there has been nothing for me to do and be productive about.
So today I had a lab meeting with my research lab. And I, as always, arrived much earlier than others to my supervisors’s office. (For those who know, this is the girl supervisor whom I don’t get along with very well, not the older guy who I get along with perfectly). So, I asked her the plan for the meeting and all was good. Then I guess I said something like "I’m getting my puppy in July" of which I’m estatic about and is pretty much my only reason for keeping going right now. Out of no where she just says "Rachel I’m worried that you’re not going to finish your Master’s." Me being me, I assured her by saying I could finish it an it would be a problem at all; I mean I’ve been researching for so long how hard could it be right? Then she like turned really red and said "Rachel I don’t think you’re taking this seriously, I’ve done a Master’s and it’s hard."
To me, this came out of no where. To my knowledge the preliminary work was not even finished so that I could even start writing up background information because we still did not know if my assigned project was going to work. Uppon saying this (pretty much exactly like I just did) and saying that we weren’t even sure if my assigned project was going to be possible let alone started in the near future. So, I asked her what she was looking for from me. Turns out she wasn’t background information and a methods section. At this I imagine I had some kind of skeptical expression, but I was trying very hard to stay neutral. I went on to reitterate that we did not have ANY data supporting that the thesis she had assigned me nor do we know if the methods are going to be possible.
Ok yeah i know. Doesn’t sound upsetting I know. Getting there. Then she re-itterated nd said "I want you to show some interest". I just paused. How do you repond to that? I’m the most enthusiastic student I know. Before I came here in September I had read every paper she had ever published. I guess I was kind of angry and responded with something along the lines of why does it matter if I’m interested and involved, I have no input into the project, hence I might as well just do as I’m told.
So apprently, she never implied that my assigned thesis was set in stone and she was expecting me to come up with my own ideas. But on my first day meeting her she laid out her plans for the next few years in research and told me EXACTLY where my thesis work fit into everything. Hence why I had such a horrible fall term because I was struggling with the sudden lack of ability to affect my research when I know/knew some of it was being done wrong.
Then comes something along the lines of I’m not able to take time off anymore and especially for something like "I just can’t come in today". I’ve only ever said that on THE DAYS I was changing medication doses and hence litterally could not walk. And then she went on to say that regardless of getting a puppy I will not be aloud any time to work with it so I might as well not get it. So what I got from that was along the lines of "I don’t care if you’ve got problems, you’ve got to shape up now or else I’m going to kick you out". Then she went on to tell me all these things which I apparently had not been doing though I had never been made aware that I was supposed to be doing them. I mean, I can’t read minds try as hard as I might. I have trouble getting into my current lab because its up a large hill and I have a bad knee of which I’m always limping by the time I’m at the top and then I have to heat it for over an hour in the evening of I won’t be able to talk the next day.
I feel now like as if I have been unfairly expected to have just inherently known what I was to supposed to have been doing and now an individuals who holds power over the rest of my future has decided that I am useless because I was not told that which I was supposed to be doing.
So here I am sitting in my office. I managed to hold off crying for 5 hours now, but the last person other than me has left for the day and I kinda lost it. I 100% feel like the world hates me because thats just what starts happening in my head when I get triggered. I’m trying so hard to believe its not true, but silly things abotu people keep popping up in my heads as reasons or indicators that they don’t like me.
This is why I hate people. My anxiety can’t hurt me like this. I can’t trigger myself like this. No pets or research animals can trigger me. No, it’s people who just don’t seem to want to explain the little things to me. Apparently because I’m smart people assume I know everything by nature or something and when something comes up where thats is shown wrong; they get disgusted with me like as if it’s my fault I’m not all-knowing.
I don’t know. I’m just rambleing now. I must get back to work soon because i’m got to go administer an exam to a student in a few hours and I need my face to not be splotchy by then.
Thanks for reading. And yes, I know it’s not my fault that this all happened. It’s both of our’s. And I’m also well aware this is a silly situation to trigger me; but guess what? No matter how much I pretend I don’t care what people think of me. I actually care more than most others. Life sucks. The end!