Hello,

Well this is my first time on here so I thought I would introduce myself and try to keep a daily journal of everything that is going on in my head right now.

First I'm Heather. I am a 24 year old wife and mother. I am married to a great guy named Chris and we have a beautiful daughter named Rhowen. Rhowen is about 17 months old and is a wonderful addition to my life. She has just recently learned to walk and is learning to talk at a very fast pace. She is what gets me moving on the mornings that I do not want to. My husband is a mucisian but also has a full time job at one of the local hospitals. We have been married nearly a year, it will be a year Nov. 13. We have been having a hard time in the recent months, mainly because my little depression monster has started showing its head again.

My little monster, as I like to call it, has been with me since I was 13 years old, probably longer but that is when a doctor made the official call. My doctor said it was moderate depression with anxiety disorder. I have been on and off meds since that time, and in and out of therapy since then as well.

I am hoping that this will give me an outlet to vent without burdening my friends and blowing up at my husband. I think I love him, in more recent days I am not so sure of that. I am currently not on any meds or in therapy, mainly because of the cost. I work full time and I also go to school full time, but money is tight so it is the choice of giving my daughter a healthy meal or a less grouchy mom. I do not want to go back on the meds because I haven't found one yet that lets me be a normal functioning person. Also every single one always seems to make me gain a bunch of weight, and that just turns in to a vicious cycle "YOUR A FATA## SO YOU SHOULD JUST GIVE UP!" thoughts in my head which don't exactly help.

I don't like being this way!!!! I want to be happy and normal. I want a house with a yard and a swingset for Rhowen. I want to want to spend time with my husband, hell I want to want to make love to my husband. I don't want to have oil change sex for the rest of my life. I want all the scary, horrible thoughts in my head to go away. Seriously, there is just something not right about wanting to cook your family a roast and stick your head in the oven after its done. WTF?!?!?! I guess thats the part that is scaring me the most about this round, I have never had suicide thoughts, plenty of f it just go back to bed thoughts.

I think that with all the crap I have gone through I deserve some peace! Just a year of everything being okay and everyone being healthy. I am sure later I will discuss the horrors of my past and present, but I'll wait for that one because I am not quite ready to be shipped off just yet. I guess right now I need a place to talk out everything and go from there.

Well here is to day 1. Hopefully day 2 will be a bit more uplifting

1 Comment
  1. blc119c 10 years ago

    wow.. i think I have alot of the same feelings.. I am going back to a therapist tomorrow.. I know they will want me on meds.  I dont mind having to take meds I just want one that works.  I have so many thoughts in my head.  I hate it.  I wish I just had a pamphlet that told everything about me so I can give it to my husband with a number on it of who to call to help me.  I feel very pushed away from him.. and do not even know if I am being pushed away or is it the mental illness that makes me feel that way.  I have talked to him a little bit about it but he doesnt put much into it.  I think because he doesnt know what to do which dominos into me feeling like if he cared he would do something to help me.  I just spiral with all these feelings.  well anyway just sharing a little..

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