Lately, I have been thinking. I have been doing weird things. Obsessing over my last breath. I sometimes find myself breathing out till my lungs are completely empty. Then, I see how long I can stay like that. What if one day, that is my last breath? Some days, I feel as if Death has a grip on my wrist, and is tugging me toward the end. I feel like Death is beside me, right now. I feel like I'm going crazy. It has been a week or so since I've been off my medications, and I have realized my options. One; Be on my medications, and feel dizzy, weird, odd, and like everything is a dream, like nothing is real, or, Two; Face mood swings, depression, being suicidal, and reckless. I wonder if I am .truly. going crazy. I see death, but I think he is in my head, because I don't really .see. him, I just feel him. Like a bestfriend, he follows me. He is always there. He is here right now, and I can feel it. But, I don't want to talk about that anymore, I probably sound crazy.
So, I'll tell you what went down yesterday; Yesterday, John and I were having a bad day. Well, our relationship was. I was having my mood swings, and he was upset because he didn't know what was wrong. Then, I became more upset, because he was upset, then that upset him more, and it just kept going back and forth like that, like a game of ping pong. Only, each time the ball (a vibe) hit our paddles (chests and hearts) harder. I then asked John if he wanted to walk me home, he hadn't in a while, because he didn't feel like it, had a headache, or was just fucking lazy. So, when I asked him, he did his normal groan, so I then got more upset, because each time I walked home by myself, I felt worse and worse; Like he didn't care about me. So, I told him he couldn't walk me home, then he got upset, and told me he was walking me home, but I kept telling him no. In the end, he walked me home, and I am glad he did, because we had a long talk. I told him how I really felt, and he told me how he felt. We patched things up, and now I feel like we are closer than ever. We promised eachother that we would talk to one another about anything, so that way we don't go down the dark road, of not talking, again. You see, for a couple days, our relationship has spiraled downward. Getting worse, and worse each day. But, yesterday fixed that. It saved me. I know it is pathetic to rely on a guy to keep you happy, or alive, but I think I am relying on him for these things, because he is the only thing keeping me sane, right now.
I don't know what to do. Everything, lately, has just been so fucked. I feel like I am turning into the biggest bitch ever, and I can feel it. I can also feel that I am starting to not give a shit about anything. I am being more reckless, and suicidal. My thoughts are a mess, and everything seems to be in fast forward. I do NOT want to be on medication, but I don't know what else to do..