October 6th 2010,
Day one off of work.. Yikes.
Started my meds today : 1/2 of a Ciprilex and 0.05 of Synthroid in the AM.
Woke up early because I had made a hair appointment two weeks earlier and wanted to honour it.. NOT A GREAT IDEA. I am so used to doing what is expected of me that I went and I learned the hard way. Note to others on their first day offf…. STAY HOME … Rest and sleep. I was only gone for 2 hours but I felt like I had gone through a war. I came back and had trouble to speak, I was walking slow and I was freezing cold, kind of like when you have a really bad flu. Slept for 4 hours. No peacefully mind you, I had to watch a movie cause it stops me from thinking. Three hours after taking the pills, nausea and drugged feeling kicks in. Yuck. Hope that goes away soon.. No appetite.. don`t like the drugged feeling. I have hope though !
How in the world did I work feeling like this I am thinking! I am thinking alot but everyone tells me to make no promises, to let everything happen and go with it.. Easier said than done. I guess that I have been holding it together for so so long that as of yesterday, it feels like I can let go and actually be sick. and that is what I am.. sick. my throid is low and wether it is that that caused this god for saken depression, it makes no difference, I am sick and I need to heal. The doc says that the meds take 3-4 weeks to kick in, ok…. I can`t see me going back to work in 4 weeks 🙁 but that is me looking ahead again. I know that I will get worse before better. Right now I don`t have more energy than to go from the bed to the couch, sleep sleep sleep and sit still. Forget dishes and laundry and cooking.. No chance in hell. I did go for a really slow quiet 15 minute walk in the rain with my boyfriend after my 4 hour afternoon nap but I came back exhausted and back in bed with just enough energy to change my clothes. But my doc said that I need to go for walks so I will trust her. I will just walk when I can not when I think I should.
A couple of weeks ago I was crying in bed and told my boyfriend that I had no idea who I really was anymore. Am I a morning person, do I really like certain people, do I like my job.. I have no idea because every ounce of my energy was put into faking my way through the day. There was nothing left to give.. nothing.
I wanted to visit my sister this month, an 8 hour drive but I think maybe I will put a hold on that. The thought of an 8 hour drive would litterally kill me 🙂
Have no fear.. I will have energy one day, I will laugh easliy, I will be able to trust my decisions and my gut feelings again.
More to come….
