Well.. I am new here…Been dealing with bouts of depression for many, many, many years but total in denial about it.  I tried exercise, I moved around a lot, I tried different schools and classes not to mention never wanting a full time job with long term chances because I never knew how long I would feel relativiely goood.  About 10 years ago I started have bouts of vertigo in which I would spin so bad I would vomit or pass out and I spent many years going to the docs .. Mri`s and blood test etc..etc etc. Tried to speak with a therapist but bailed on him becuase I think deep down I knew there was not much he could do for me and that I needed to be on meds.  I hated the idea, 9 months ago I even stopped my birth control because I hated the idea of have drugs in my body..  so mych for all that !

Yesterday I finally seen a doctor who listened to me through the tears.   I was at the point that I felt like I would shatter into a million little pieces if something did not give.  I was starting to miss work cause I was too tired and crying all the time.. It is so hard to pretend to be ok.. I pretended to be ok for so long that I lost many friends but now, I can no longer do it.  I am at rock bottom.  The moments of me faking having good days or good hours are over.. so I hope.  I can no longer face this alone. 

Yesterday, on October 5th 2010, my doc put me on .005 synthroid for thyroid and 10mg of Ciprilex for depression.  She also took me off of work for 1 month minimum.  I started to cry with relief but I had no idea how bad it would get for me.. People think that being off of work whoudl be a breeze and they tell me to rest blah blah blah.. it gets worse before it gets better.. trust me.  I drove home and my boyfriend was waiting for me with open arms ( thank god ) I was like a zombie and slept for 4 hours.  I was confused and lost especially lost.  Unsure of what to do and knowing that lots lay ahead for me.. good and bad.  I could not sleep that night because I would close my eyes and see my work files and fell so much anxiety and fear and sooooo tired I cried as a result.  However, I walked around and realized something…  I will sleep when I need it and stay awake when I can`t .. no more of this fake forced life I have been living for so long.  I know I will eventually even out but for now, I need to heal and I need to do what is right at the moment, not about worrying about sleeping enough to get through my day or entertaining my boyfriend of fake calling my friends and family in cheers and smiles!

Note to me: Rest when you need it !







1 Comment
  1. GRACY 11 years ago

    i'm new here also and  like you,i felt that i had to pretend that all is well,but it's been going on so long that i can't seem to gather the energy for pretense any longer. i faithfully take my meds everyday. cymbalta 90mg and buspar 150mg to sleep, but no matter what i'm taking,i rarely feel "good'' or not long in any case.  i was off work 6 mo. and went back only to drive to work and could not make myself pull in the driveway. crazy,huh? i feel for you and hope that you will get to where you want to be in your your mental health.

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