October 6th 2010,

Day one off  of work.. Yikes.

Started my meds today : 1/2 of a Ciprilex and 0.05 of Synthroid in the AM.

Woke up early because I had made a hair appointment two weeks earlier and wanted to honour it.. NOT A GREAT IDEA.  I am so used to doing what is expected of me that I went and I learned the hard way.  Note to others on their first day offf…. STAY HOME … Rest and sleep.   I was only gone for 2 hours but I felt like I had gone through a war.  I came back and had trouble to speak, I was walking slow and I was freezing cold, kind of like when you have a really bad flu.  Slept for 4 hours.  No peacefully mind you, I had to watch a movie cause it stops me from thinking.  Three hours after taking the pills, nausea and drugged feeling kicks in.  Yuck.  Hope that goes away soon.. No appetite.. don`t like the drugged feeling.  I have hope though !

How in the world did I work feeling like this I am thinking!  I am thinking alot but everyone tells me to make no promises, to let everything happen and go with it.. Easier said than done.  I guess that I have been holding it together for so so long that as of yesterday, it feels like I can let go and actually be sick.  and that is what I am.. sick.  my throid is low and wether it is that that caused this god for saken depression, it makes no difference, I am sick and I need to heal.  The doc says that the meds take 3-4 weeks to kick in, ok…. I can`t see me going back to work in 4 weeks 🙁 but that is me looking ahead again.  I know that I will get worse before better.  Right now I don`t have more energy than to go from the bed to the couch, sleep sleep sleep and sit still.  Forget dishes and laundry and cooking.. No chance in hell.  I did go for a  really slow quiet 15 minute walk in the rain with my boyfriend  after my 4 hour afternoon nap but I came back exhausted and back in bed with just enough energy to change my clothes.  But my doc said that I need to go for walks so I will trust her.  I will just walk when I can not when I think I should.

A couple of weeks ago I was crying in bed and told my boyfriend that I had no idea who I really was anymore.  Am I a morning person, do I really like certain people, do I like my job.. I have no idea because every ounce of my energy was put into faking my way through the day.  There was nothing left to give.. nothing. 

I wanted to visit my sister this month, an 8 hour drive but I think maybe I will put a hold on that.  The thought of an 8 hour drive would litterally kill me 🙂 

 Have no fear.. I will have energy one day, I will laugh easliy, I will be able to trust my decisions and my gut feelings again. 

More to come….



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