I guess I’ll write my first entry to introduce myself and give another intro to what my world is vaguely like right now…I have had depression since I was about 15, or at least that’s when everything started to hit me.  My whole life, I have been trying to ‘make it go away’.  From the time it hit me, I’ve always been trying different things to cover up this feeling or to create an enviornment where I just don’t have the time to think or feel.  I’ve tried writing poetry, drugs, drinking, ‘going’ all the time w/school and two jobs (@ work from 7:30am to 10pm) along w/taking care of my man and doing all the ‘homemaker’ things all at once, cutting, prescription as I got older and found that nothing was working, meditation… I can go on.  I am at the point where I realize that it is here to stay, it will be something that I have to deal with, but am still learning.  I’m analyzing things more, and have really been getting hit harder the older I get. 

Now it’s more than just the MDD, it’s anxiety too.  I’ve tried so many medications I don’t even remember all of them anymore, and my doc is still experimenting w/me.  Last time I went to the doc I got a script for Prozac, took it for 3 days, and by the third day, I was in a horrible state of mind, having panic attacks, almost having to pull over because of the anxiety attacks, heart beating so fast, SO sick to my stomach, I called the doc and he told me to stop.. long story short, he then gives m Lexapro, which, I never take anything w/o researching first, and saw that it has WAY worse things than Prozac. I have done more reading on this and found that some people do get the increased symptoms at first, but they go away w/in a few weeks.  I just started taking it again last night. I will take it again tonight, I’m still nervous that I will have more panic attacks though, and am scared to take it, but I will, if it helps.

Another thing is that I am laid off temporarily until March, I think this provoked my current stage of depression, but, it also gives me hope that  I can take the med and if I feel anxiety coming on, I can just stay in the house until those initial symptoms go away…

Yesterday was Christmas, and it’s been hard for me in general for the past month, ever since I have been laid off, going into a deeper depression.  Yesterday was generally a good day, I went over my bf’s sister’s house, and spent the day there (he has a really big family, and so I was surrounded by like 10 adults and 6 kids) and we ate, and played games, and we did a shot of rum to honor his dad (his dad recently passed away of cancer) since that was his drink, then did the whole present thing, and well, it was generally a nice day.  I was disappointed that  I didn’t get to see my dad at all but, I lived with it.  So, the night progresses, I come home, and start to watch TV, I get hit with a sudden horrible-ness of depression.  The whole bout, sobbing, can’t breathe, all of it, and I couldn’t make it go away, that damn feeling.  So, I resorted to cutting, and I wrote.  The only two things I could do at that point. Today, I did research, found that people who suffer from depression are lacking in dopamine and serotonin.  Went on to find out what naturally helps increase these two things.  Thing is that these neurotransmitters are deficient, okay, so found out what I need to do.  This is why SSRI’s help… they help with the serotonin, okay, so what about dopamine?  They don’t help w/that part..  My new plan is to take the Prozac, but then also to get my ass to GNC and get MyoPlex Deluxe, since it contains all but two things for naturally increasing the levels of serotonin and dopamine (DHA and ALA). 

You ever try everything that you read, the yoga, meditation, exercise, eating right, sleeping right… and still end up in the same spot?  Or even worse, not even getting far enough because your so depressed so the farthest you get is having the thought to start to do it and see if it helps?

So frustrating.  Well, I guess this is the end of my first entry here….a too long intro and boring thought expellation <– is that even a word? oh well, till next time