I feel down and listless today. I am on a beautiful BC island looking after my sister’s gorgeous place and yet I want it to end. The constant ups and downs are too hard to handle. I am so tired of feeling these emotions. I feel worried about my daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend. They are so often at odds that I project my own old life with her father onto it. The worry fills my body so that even if I try not think about it, I still carry it around. If it wasn’t that it would be the guilt I feel about the mistakes I made raising my son. He says being around me makes him feel bad. I want to know more about that. What is making him feel this way? It’s hard for me to do things as it is without having this guilt weighing me down. Death would hopefully stop this constant painful living. Of course I won’t do it. I care too much about everyone. And so I keep dragging this bag of pain everywhere. I could try to let the bag go. But I care too much about my kids’ well being to do that. Is it helping them for me to feel guilty? Of course not. Would it help them for me to let go of it and live happily. I doubt it. They already think I am so no.