“I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I’ll never be alright
So, I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
-Linkin Park “Breaking the Habit”
every time i listen to that song it makes me feel better. hell, its linkin park in general. is it just me or is linkin park like, a depressed person’s theme band? it seems that way. whenever im really sad i either pop in “Meteora” or “Hybrid Theory”, or i pop in my own personal mix of sad songs and, it helps me feel better. a friend once said to me “if your sad, why do you wanna listen to sad music for? it just makes your more sad.” well, lemme tell ya, i just do. it helps…..in its own weird way.
today i cried. a real good cry. i havnt cried in a while and it felt good. i cried because i think ive finally come to a decission to go back to church after my 6 month absense. i dont know if its the fact that i miss it, miss being in the choir, or the fact that i knew that there were people there who loved me. id like to think that its a combination of them all. but im really scared. im going to be going to talk to Sr. Linda sometime this week about what i have to do. *gulps* help?
i just hate myself so much lately. whether its the fact that i havnt been to TKD in like, a whole month, or the fact that im fat and will never have the chance with the guy that i really want, or the fact that i cut and it shows, or the fact that im havnt taken my anti-depressents for about 8 months and im back to the way i was before i even took them. its everything. i just hate me. badly.
im also really worried/stressed. im only 17 and i worry about more stuff than anybody that i know. i worry about college(getting in, scholarships/grant, ect), i worry if my dad is going to skip the house payments and cause us to move, i worry about my grades, i worry about my weight, i worry about my mom and little sister, i worry about non makeing anything of myself and just becomeing a bum, i worry that i’ll never find a guy who will even consider going out with me, i worry about the financial issue at home, i worry that kristy & i will never have what we did with our friendship, and i worry about myself first and formost. i worry that i might not be strong enough to keep it going, life i mean. sometimes its just way to much. my therapist says that i dont need to worry about everything and that i should only worry about college and stuff, but i cant help it. im a worrier. sue me. lol.