I feel stuck. I'm an educated woman constantly surrounded by people who seem to resent anyone with more than a GED. I'm not exaggerating out of cockiness either–I felt this way even before I went to school, back when all I had was a GED.
It seems to have gotten worse. Many of my old friendships don't fit anymore. Well, they never really fit to begin with, but now I feel as though I'm suffocating in the presence of those with no vision, no prospects, no hope, no moral standards… I used to ignore these things before, feeling as though I could do no better. I could play the part of detached nochalance in the face of their ignorance and abrassiveness. Smarter, better-classed people seemed threatening to me. I guess they still do.
I feel lonely. I've ALWAYS felt lonely. Sometimes I've been able to ignore it for short lengths, but I've almost always felt separate, on the outside of every group. I'm so unbelievably tired of never belonging anywhere. Why am I so different? Was I born under a weird planetary condition?
I can't let these things go anymore. I can't watch my friends repeat the same cyles of trashy behavior and self-destruction without saying something that will mark me as a snob. I'm a snob because I realize my potential. I'm a snob because I try to encourage my friends to improve their sad situations instead of bitching about how life sucks all the time.
I don't want to be around people who won't hope and try for better–especially when that means embracing the scum of the planet to convince themselves that they don't WANT anything better. I'm talking about lying, cheating, stealing, dealing drugs, and shacking up with anyone who's nice to them.
Makes me feel like a loser by association, and I've already worked too hard at convincing myself otherwise to get pulled back down. I may have to cut ties again, and that feels like shit. It feels like I'm abandoning my friend, because she lacks the insight to notice that her lifestyle makes me want to puke, that her logic and language are offensive to anyone with an ounce of class. I'm talking about her throwing the N-word around as though her skin color makes her superior, despite the fact that she's living her life worse that the majority of the people she looks down on.
I'm tired. I don't want to be better than my friends. I only ever wanted to have friends who are equals–and yet I still feel as though they'd never have me. I tried to get my current friends to do something positive, but they'd rather be hopeless, godless, lifeless. They'd rather keep telling themselves that I'm the clueless one.
Maybe I am, but for reasons they'll never fathom.