All I want is for one man to prove to me their not all the same.
I don't know who said that, who first wrote it down and watched it become a famous quote, but at one time I thought I found someone who could fit that want. I found out not long ago how wrong I was.
Before I continue on that note let me explain something…. If any of you reading this happen to look at my profile and see my age i know I'm young. I know I have the rest of my life, which hopefully will be quite a few more years to go, for this sort of thing but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Also, atop all that, I have a very bad past with this sort of thing on different degrees. This might not be the worse thing in the world but atop everything else that has happened to me it hurts nearly as badly. I wont explain what happened in the past in this blog post but…perhaps another time I shall.
He promised me he wouldn't let the past haunt me…he wouldn't be like the people of my past and he wouldn't hurt me like they did. He promised not to repeat what everyone has. For the first week of our relationship he was great at this. He didn't do a thing wrong. After that he tried to push me like all the others…but I trusted him so much I let him push me just a little bit. That little bit got harsher and harsher until I felt like a tool being used rather than someone being loved. I ended it.
I took him back. We were together a year, a long harsh, tearful year, and I had only contemplated suicide a few times throughout that year. I didn't cut, I didn't overdose (On anything but a sleeping pill now and then), and I didn't try to jump off a bridge or anything. All in all, an okay year. Then, after our aniversary and seeing each other, after all that time, I get a message from my best friend. She asks me how much I trust him. I said more or less enough…. Turns out he was cheating on me with her for the one thing I just couldn't give him; sex.
So what is a person to do? What is a girl who was never really able to put theirself back together again suppose to do when their heart shatters into a million sharp pieces that cut into your insides? I'll tell you what I did; I cried. Cried and cried until I thought Noa would be have to be brought back from the dead. Then I cut and cut and cut and cut until not only were my clothes and bed stained red but my arm still hasn't regained it's pale texture. My head has been dizzy and light all day and my heart doesn't even feel like its there any more.
I yelled at him for hours…what felt like days! But for some reason I'm afraid to end it with him. I'm afraid to be alone again dispite knowing this will happen again. I have no where to turn…I moved to an unfamilar place with people who I couldn't get close to if I wanted. I feel alone in a world populated by Trillions, not just Billions. It's a scary thought that I know isn't true, but it feels so very true and real.
I don't want pitty though, don't get me wrong. No, I just want help…. I want to know what to do, and where to turn. I want to know that I'm not alone, know it and believe it, and I want to make sure this world isn't full of masks where liars and pain-givers hide.