All I want is for one man to prove to me their not all the same.

I don't know who said that, who first wrote it down and watched it become a famous quote, but at one time I thought I found someone who could fit that want. I found out not long ago how wrong I was.


Before I continue on that note let me explain something…. If any of you reading this happen to look at my profile and see my age i know I'm young. I know I have the rest of my life, which hopefully will be quite a few more years to go, for this sort of thing but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Also, atop all that, I have a very bad past with this sort of thing on different degrees. This might not be the worse thing in the world but atop everything else that has happened to me it hurts nearly as badly. I wont explain what happened in the past in this blog post but…perhaps another time I shall.


He promised me he wouldn't let the past haunt me…he wouldn't be like the people of my past and he wouldn't hurt me like they did. He promised not to repeat what everyone has. For the first week of our relationship he was great at this. He didn't do a thing wrong. After that he tried to push me like all the others…but I trusted him so much I let him push me just a little bit. That little bit got harsher and harsher until I felt like a tool being used rather than someone being loved. I ended it.

I took him back. We were together a year, a long harsh, tearful year, and I had only contemplated suicide a few times throughout that year. I didn't cut, I didn't overdose (On anything but a sleeping pill now and then), and I didn't try to jump off a bridge or anything. All in all, an okay year. Then, after our aniversary and seeing each other, after all that time, I get a message from my best friend. She asks me how much I trust him. I said more or less enough…. Turns out he was cheating on me with her for the one thing I just couldn't give him; sex.

So what is a person to do? What is a girl who was never really able to put theirself back together again suppose to do when their heart shatters into a million sharp pieces that cut into your insides? I'll tell you what I did; I cried. Cried and cried until I thought Noa would be have to be brought back from the dead. Then I cut and cut and cut and cut until not only were my clothes and bed stained red but my arm still hasn't regained it's pale texture. My head has been dizzy and light all day and my heart doesn't even feel like its there any more.

I yelled at him for hours…what felt like days! But for some reason I'm afraid to end it with him. I'm afraid to be alone again dispite knowing this will happen again. I have no where to turn…I moved to an unfamilar place with people who I couldn't get close to if I wanted. I feel alone in a world populated by Trillions, not just Billions. It's a scary thought that I know isn't true, but it feels so very true and real.

I don't want pitty though, don't get me wrong. No, I just want help…. I want to know what to do, and where to turn. I want to know that I'm not alone, know it and believe it, and I want to make sure this world isn't full of masks where liars and pain-givers hide.

3 Comments
  1. claudius_67 10 years ago

    The first thing I think you need to do is get yourself to a hospital.  You say you've moved to an unfamiliar place.  Is there no one you can contact for help?

    The guy sounds like he's not worth your pain and your friend doesn't sound like much of a friend either.  You sound as though you don't value yourself very much, believe me I understand that.  You also sound very alone, I understand that feeling too.

    Try to go somewhere and get some help for YOU!  Dave. 

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  2. UnSuti_Hrukjan 10 years ago

    @jaredb25

    I know there has to be someone out there that isn't like that but, sadly, I'm afraid you may be part of a dying breed.  And perhaps an extincted on where I live… 

    @deadman

    I know the dangers of cutting, I study pathology and all that.  I've got them wrapped and sterile. I’ll probably go to the hospital today since I survived the
    night.  I have no time for a new hoby, no
    time to go find a volunteer organization or anything of the like.  I’ve just got no time any more and the last
    time I started a journal I ended up making things worse, not better.  I have a history of depression  and suicide attempts…I also have a past of
    putting myself in abusive situations. 
    Like I said, I know this one guy isn’t the end of the world.  That’s not why I’m so upset.  No, Its everything pilled up that was pushing
    at the surface until this just made everything over flow.  And I'm use to putting myself into abusive situations.  As I said, I have a past of this sort of thing, suicide and these problems with men.  I can't help but think all men are like this in a relationship.  I'm friends mainly with males but everyone seems so great until your with them.  I don't know what to believe about it any more.

    @claudius_67

    There is no one.  I know people around here but none that would understand or care.  And your right, I don't value myself and I don't know if I ever will.  I'll try to find somewhere to go but I just don't know if there is one around here.

     

    Thank you all for your comments.

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  3. UnSuti_Hrukjan 10 years ago

    @Cartonsghost

    Thank you really.  I hope your right.  It seems no matter where I live the guys I form relationships with aren't what I thought they are yet all of my friends are guys and they all seem great.  It sucks.

    Thanks for the welcome though!  And I hope you have a fun New Jersey heat filled summer! 

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