I just heard that my family (that I see maybe once a year) is having a get-together this weekend. . . I’m worried, scared, sad, sick to my stomach and hyperventilating. I don’t want to go. I can’t, not for the sake of my sanity, but I’m being punished for not wanting to. I just can’t handle it anymore. . . There are two reasons why I don’t want to go. . .
One is that my dear uncle passed away last year. . . He was the closet thing I ever had to a father, and I’m not over it. I’m not ready. . . I can’t even begin to think of how I may handle that situation being there. I don’t want to break down and cry. . . I’m not ready to have anything to do with my other uncles and aunts because of this. Even at his funeral I kept expecting him to just walk in through the door and say my name loudly and happily like he always did. . . He was the only reason I ever wanted to go to those get-togethers. . . Just to see him. . .
As for the other reason. . . Oh, god. . . I was molested as a child by someone in my family, and even the chance of him being there, or listening to his parents talk about him, makes me want to slit my throat. I don’t want to go. If I have to go I’m going to be in pieces and I don’t know how well I will be able to manage. When I’m around him he always tells me to bleeping smile! Can you believe it?! And he puts his hands on me (whether it be my shoulder, my head, or him picking me up. . . What a god damned sleaze. . .), and I . . . can’t stomach it. I can barely breathe right now or stop crying. You’d think that time would make this easier, but it doesn’t. I feel angrier and angrier and hopelessly sad, and the only thing I do is lash out at myself.
I’m pressured to go, though. My mother tells me that if I don’t go then she’s not going to go, and she puts it all on me. My mother and sister know why I don’t want to go, but my mother will tell me, “well, I don’t want to go, either” like she doesn’t even care or think my reason is bleeping substantial!
I don’t want to let down my uncle-in-law (his father. . .) and another uncle that I know want to see me, but . . . I can’t handle it. I don’t have any relationship with any of them out-side of these get-togethers. It’s all false smiles and false laughs.
Please, anyone, tell me if you understand from your own experiences. Do you have any advice? What should I do? I don’t know how many more times I can suck it up and pretend. I know that I need to get help to deal with my issues regarding this, and I will, but I don’t have any way of doing that professionally right now. . . So if someone could just share some experience. . . It would mean the world to me to know I’m not alone. . .