Sometimes you gotta move away from people to move towards being okay, and sometimes you can’t.  My struggle to be okay is daily and I was moving in that direction and my daughter looses something on her way somewhere.  A common enough event and as commonly her emotions become overwhelming and I do all I can to help her find the object, but inevitably the event crushes me as much as her and it was looking to be be a relaxing weekend.  I have tried to help her find a way to cope better, but it is a fight that I never win and can’t maintain. I just keep doing my best, because there is nothing else to do, but it is another trigger that messes me up.  Another piece of the puzzle.
I’m going to sped the rest of the day trying to motivate myself to climb out of this hole.  To find something to distract me enough that I stop paying attention to my misery.  Most of the time I fail and I lay down and go the other way.    I have been become pretty good at living in the moment when there is a moment.  I can get lost in numerous things, but finding them and then motivating myself to myself to start and keep at it long enough, to climb over the minor issues that become mountains to get to the moment is extremely hard at times like this.  And of course I have to juggle and manage the powerful things that can come along.  Its been like this for so long I can’t really recall what it used to be like.  I am tired of this.  I am drained by this.

It certainly has gotten more difficult over the last half year, I think. So hard to tell.  My depression has gone through so many phases and so many therapists.  Does anyone else have a hard time keeping track?


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