I hang out on another site where I read so many stories about lonely girls, usually younger than myself,who wish they could findsignificant others and be in relationships. All those stories make me cringe. Not only because I realize how wrong it is for one's happiness to be dependent on aromantic partner, but also because I am just like them. I feel so stupid. I wish I wasn't even attracted to humans. It would be so much easier if I had no desire for human companionship. Alas, I am human, and I love humans. I want them. There is not one night that goes by where I don't pretend my pillows are someone. I wish someone wanted me as much as I want someone. I'd probably be content with them wanting me half as much as I want them. But that whole territory is just so foreign to me. I've nevercome close to being in a relationship. No one has ever even liked me. Many would attribute this to my lack of socializing, but what always bothers me a little bit is how many people I've come across who are just like me yet manage to find significant others. I couldn't possibly name all the people I've come acrossonline who have met their partners online and gone on to have successful relationships in real life. I always saythe reason I'm single is because I don't date and won't allow myself to date as long as I'm this emotionally unstable. What if that's wrong though? What if I'm single because no one has ever showed any interest?
A while agoI came to the conclusion that I refused to die without having had sex first. I knew that I wouldn't be able to have sex with someone who actually cared about me, so I decided to just go for casual sex. I met a guy online who agreed to it because we were both in the exact same boat. He was also depressed and just wanted to cross this off his bucket list. Because of certain circumstances, we had to wait it out. I wouldn't be able to do it 'til late October/early November, but he was fine with that. We talked for months, and the more we talked, the more clear he made it that he wasn't attracted to me. He did however say he wanted to be friends. The idea of having a friend in real life was the most exciting part about this whole thing. Then one day it hit me that I, an incredibly insecure, self-loathing girl, was about to put myself in an extremely vulnerable position. The only thing that could help a situation like that would be a partner's support and reassurance. This guy did the complete opposite for me though. He told me he didn't find me attractive. He told me I was nothing but something for him to penetrate. So I called it off. The fact that he didn't find me attractive wasn't too hurtful. I know not everyone is going to like me. The most hurtful thing was how he claimed to want to be friends only to never speak to me again. Now that the time is getting close to when we were supposed to finally meet, I wonder what would have happened. I wonder if he would have been my friend as long as I would have gone through with it. But I suppose if he needed sex in order to be my friend, he wasn't the kind of friend I wanted anyway. It just sucks that I have to go back to having no one. All those months of talking were probably the closest thing to a boyfriend I've ever had. And I miss it. I miss it every night. I miss talking to someone 'til I fell asleep. I miss being that comfortable with someone. It was nice while it lasted even if it was all a lie. I'm just scared to never experiencethe sincere version of that. I don't enjoy getting older and having absolutely no experience in the relationship department. It just makes it harder to relate to others.