She got up early today by several hours.  Said she needed to get enrolled in school for the summer.  I was kind of surprised that she hadn't done so already.

It turns out that she wanted us to have a talk before she went through the effort of enrolling.  She said it was only fair to me for her to tell me exactly where she is in this relationship.  What she wants to happen is for my truck to be paid off by the end of next year.  Then when I graduate from school in December, 2010, I will have a degree and a paid off vehicle that is fairly new.  Her own graduation should be at about the same time, and then she wants to get divorced.

She never actually said, "I don't love you."  However, every time her feelings about me were brought up in conversation, it was in the context of, "I loved you."  As far as she is concerned, she is completely emotionally disconnected from the marriage.  However, she says that she cannot complete school without help–without my help specifically.  But if I'm not willing to try, then there's no point in her even getting started.

I told her that I am still very much invested in the relationship, and that I am still very much in love with her.  That I do not have any interest in a divorce, and that I hope to change her mind in the next 18-20 months.  She admitted that it is possible for her feelings to be different a year-and-a-half from now.  Neither of us mentioned that she almost never changes her mind once she's made a decision.

I told her that I would continue my drug treatment and therapy, largely so I can cope well enough to help her and do my own schooling.  I also said that the therapy isn't going quite as well as I had hoped, because my therapist is focused almost solely on my marriage, and because I have never been doing it for me.  I have only been doing it for her.

That wasn't the entire conversation.  There was more.  We both cried.  Her less than myself.  She did have some nice things to say about me, but I can't remember what they were.  I always dismiss those anyway.

I will continue my therapy.  I will continue my education.  I do not think it matters whether or not I have a degree, or a paid vehicle.  I will do what it takes to make sure she can accomplish her goals, and I will try to be a good enough person for her to stay married to me.  There will not be a divorce.

 

I expected emotional turmoil, but the actual physical pain remains surprising.

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