My depression is so severe, I can’t even get out of bed today. I am swallowed up by the darkness. My bedroom is dark, we have blankets covering the windows. The fact that my anxiety doesn’t get better is what is driving my depression, I think. It’s a hopeless feeling. That, coupled with the dark shadows I see everywhere, my eyes just don’t see the world like normal. Everything is covered in dark shadows. The good thing is that it’s cloudy today, the shadows are worse when the sun is out. I don’t know what to do with myself, I’m so scared all the time. I’m just hiding in my bedroom, like a wounded animal. I had a brief session with my therapist today, we just checked in and I told him about the terrible panic attack I had yesterday, which was shortly after I wrote yesterday’s blog post. It was bizarre, one minute I was fine, in here typing about meditation, and the next minute I was in the car having a total meltdown. It was terrifying, I felt like I was literally disappearing. We went out again, after sunset, and I was fine. I think it has something to do with my sensitivity to the sun, and the dark shadows that I see when the sun is out.
I don’t notice the dark shadows when we go out at night. So during the day I just hide back here in my bedroom. I like the darkness because then I can’t see the dark shadows, there is no contrast because everything is dark. I’m drinking a sencha right now, it’s very meditative. I am listening to the singing bowls on the Insight Timer app. It’s the Third Eye Chakra singing bowls. I am so tired of the darkness. There is a bright spark that is missing in the world. I have to blame it on my depression, which in turn I blame on my anxiety. My doctor has increased my Zoloft, and I’ve been on it for a week now, but I’m sure it will take much longer than that to see improvement.
I just don’t know what to do with myself. All I feel like doing is typing during the day, and half the time I don’t have anything of importance to write about. It’s like my mind has gone blank, and all that is left of me is a fearful shell of a person. Something is missing in the world, the spark of life, the beauty of God, I don’t see it anywhere. Everything looks frightening to me, everything. Even this screen. I need my husband to come back! He’s at work, and he can’t come back until he gets off at 4:30. I wish so much I had Medi-Cal, because then I could have my husband be my IHSS provider, and we would be together all the time. I don’t know how to switch from Medicare to Medi-Cal, or even if I can. I need someone to help me, and I don’t know whom to ask. I made the mistake of recycling the letter I got from social services that had the name of the worker on my Medi-Cal case. I could call that person and ask what I should do to get on Medi-Cal. But I recycled it, thinking I wouldn’t need that information.
I am just so scared, that’s all that’s left of me. Nothing but raw fear and the terror of being totally alone. I feel bereft, and blank and empty inside. How on earth am I going to get through this day? I’m so, so scared right now. I feel like I’m disappearing! My husband told me to remember that I just have an illness, and that I always overcome. I don’t feel like I can overcome this, but I have to believe in what my husband tells me. I just finished my sencha, it was so good. I love green tea. I’ve already had two cups of Irish Breakfast, I think that’s enough caffeine for one morning. I miss God. I can’t deal with this emptiness and darkness by myself. I used to always feel that God was with me. I contacted a priest about this dilemma, and he said that God has not abandoned me, that I remain His beloved daughter. How I wish I could believe that. I can’t feel the presence of the Holy Spirit, no matter how much I pray.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I need the Holy Spirit. I need Jesus. But He is nowhere to be found, at least not by me. He has to be here somewhere, though I know not where. My therapist thinks that my brain dysfunction is preventing me from feeling God. I personally feel that God just isn’t here, because I’ve been praying and praying and nothing happens. But I am open-minded about it, I am desperate for God and want to find Him, I just feel like I can’t, no matter how hard I try. I mean, church is still happening, God must be there somewhere in all of this. I just can’t access Him. I keep going back and forth about Wicca. Today I don’t feel like I should practice Wicca, whereas just the other day I cast a spell. I am so freaked out in general, I don’t know what to do. All I can do is sit here in bed and want to cry. I have this horrible lonely, empty feeling that I can’t fill. Only my husband’s presence can mitigate this terrible feeling, and he won’t be home for another seven hours. How on earth am I going to get through seven hours of this? I just don’t know. I don’t feel strong, I don’t feel whole, I don’t feel grounded. I feel weak, empty, afraid, and small. I’m fighting off a panic attack right now. I can’t do this! I really can’t! I need my husband to come back! I can’t do this anymore! I can’t be by myself anymore!
I am totally panicking right now, I don’t know what to do! It’s overwhelming! I probably had too much caffeine this morning, I’m sure that didn’t help matters much. I don’t know how to calm down. I can only calm down when my husband is here with me, but as I said, he won’t be home for seven hours. Seven hours of this terrible feeling, which is just getting worse by the minute! I feel like I can’t breathe! I don’t know what to do! I need my husband! I need him to come home and be with me! I can’t do this! Where can I turn for help? God is not here, not anywhere that I can find Him. I need Him desperately to come and be with me in this terrible moment. If you pray, please pray for me.