The depression is lifting, somewhat.  It is like being sucked into a black hole and then crawling out of it, with the vestiges of it still clinging to my soul.  I need therapy, but it hasn’t helped in the past.  Of course, I don’t stick with it, because I usually can’t afford it.  Even with insurance, the copay is prohibitive.  I really wish there was a place where I could stay for an extended period of time where I didn’t have to worry about being homeless and had supportive people around me.  For the most part, I have no supportive people in my life.  My son thrives on telling me how stupid I am.  He did concede that I have "book smarts", but am devoid of all else.  I have no close friends, other than my boyfriend, but that is so complicated.  He is emotionally unavailable and likes dating with no commitments.  I have had plenty of committed relationships with men who were addicts and/or  devoid of ambition.  This man is fairly successful, nice looking, intelligent, fun to be with and classy.  He has never done drugs and only drinks socially.  I am terrified of really discussing how I feel with him, because the thought of him dropping me makes me physically ill.  I only see him twice a week, at most, so it is fairly easy to fake being okay even when I’m not.   Most people would tell me that I’m selling myself short, but I’ve made a life science of doing this, over and over.  How does one grow self esteem? 

I spent my childhood being told that I didn’t have the right to feel angry, upset, sad, etc.  Now, I am so out of touch with my emotions that it is scary.  How do you figure out exactly what you’re really feeling when your instincts cover it up.  If I think too much about this, it makes me crazy.  I have to admit, sometimes I really feel like I’m losing my mind.  I absolutely hate being me.  I know there are people who have far worse to deal with, but it doesn’t make my personal share of the nightmare that people call life any more pleasurable.  I just can’t imagine ever feeling okay.  There is ALWAYS something to bring me back down when I experience happiness and I don’t know how to stop it.


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