The depression is lifting, somewhat. It is like being sucked into a black hole and then crawling out of it, with the vestiges of it still clinging to my soul. I need therapy, but it hasn’t helped in the past. Of course, I don’t stick with it, because I usually can’t afford it. Even with insurance, the copay is prohibitive. I really wish there was a place where I could stay for an extended period of time where I didn’t have to worry about being homeless and had supportive people around me. For the most part, I have no supportive people in my life. My son thrives on telling me how stupid I am. He did concede that I have "book smarts", but am devoid of all else. I have no close friends, other than my boyfriend, but that is so complicated. He is emotionally unavailable and likes dating with no commitments. I have had plenty of committed relationships with men who were addicts and/or devoid of ambition. This man is fairly successful, nice looking, intelligent, fun to be with and classy. He has never done drugs and only drinks socially. I am terrified of really discussing how I feel with him, because the thought of him dropping me makes me physically ill. I only see him twice a week, at most, so it is fairly easy to fake being okay even when I’m not. Most people would tell me that I’m selling myself short, but I’ve made a life science of doing this, over and over. How does one grow self esteem?
I spent my childhood being told that I didn’t have the right to feel angry, upset, sad, etc. Now, I am so out of touch with my emotions that it is scary. How do you figure out exactly what you’re really feeling when your instincts cover it up. If I think too much about this, it makes me crazy. I have to admit, sometimes I really feel like I’m losing my mind. I absolutely hate being me. I know there are people who have far worse to deal with, but it doesn’t make my personal share of the nightmare that people call life any more pleasurable. I just can’t imagine ever feeling okay. There is ALWAYS something to bring me back down when I experience happiness and I don’t know how to stop it.