10:28am 7/7/09 Tuesday anxietytribe blog
I am afraid of slowing down and looking at the big picture of the things I need to work on. That would mean taking responsibility and ownership of my life and that would mean then I can't hide from the attacks and castrating criticisms of my inner judge. A part of me doesn't want to grow up and take responsbility (and then blame) for my life. I think someone called this "The Pete Pan syndrome" for people who don't want to grow up. I feel I can't handle the responsibilities of being a grown up (even though I am over 50). I feel so uncertain and lack self confidence. I am filled with doubt and despair and anxiety. I feel like I am constantly on the run from my inner harpies that badger me and mock me and attack me.
I know that all this self persecution is a creation of my neurotic upbringing, that I have internalized and am recreating the childhood experience of feeling overwhelmed by parents who were constantly criticizing each other and didn't know how to support one another. No wonder it is hard for me to be supportive to myself.
I keep reflecting on the metaphor of the old wineskins that I wrote up about yesterday (from Luke 5:33-39). I feel like my life is like old brittle wineskins. I need God's spirit to come upon me like at Pentecost and heal me. I cry out to God for help, for relief from my constant inner self-attacks and self-undermining.
I reflect on the saying "don't hide your light under a bushel" from Matthew 5:13-16. I feel like I have been disparaging of my light. I am afraid to let my ight shine. A part of me feels the way to protect my light is to bury it or to hide it. I am afraid that if i let it shine, that it will be snuffed out. But the crazy way I protect my light is to hide or bury it in effect snuffing out my own light to protect it from being snuffed out. It 's my crazy, dysfunctional, neurotic logic. It's like my neurotic side feels more in control if I bury my light and let it get snuffed out by myself then if I expose it to the world where I have less control and feel more naked and exposed.
I think about JC hanging on the Cross, naked, exposed, being snuffed out. Yet somehow, He knew it was the Way. Help me to not be afraid to let my light shine God. Help me to not be afraid of embracing the Cross. Give me the Courage to be exposed to the world instead of running and hiding from it and burying my head in the sand like an ostrich.
God, this is so hard, Help me please JC