I don't know what to say. I guess, except that, ( and I've said this before), it's been a really rough year. One to top off all the other crappy years. How many more before I get a good year, hmm?
I've been trying to focus on the good, squeeze out whatever positives I can get wherever I can. Basically trying to say to myself "See, look. It's not all bad." And fuck I know a lot has changed this year and some things have gotten better but the truth is I've felt like shit through most of it. I desperately clung to the good moments, trying to make them last weeks and months. I put on a happy face that even I fell for. I'm guessing I was thinking something along the lines of "fake it to make it last". A sad twist on "fake 'till you make it". I think I'm thankful for all the good… but it's not been enough. That sounds awful, but it feels true to me. I feel like I should be happier considering what's changed. Feel like I should be more hopeful. But I'm not.
I feel like hell, and I'm angry, and tired of the let downs, tired of failing, tired of feeling like I can't do this.
And I just… I feel so sorry. I don't know why I'm apologizing or who I'm apologizing to, but God, I'm so sorry.
I'm tired of feeling this way. Tired of feeling unworthy, pathetic, alien, less than everyone else, lazy, disgusting, inept, hopeless.
I spent a lot of this year I've been telling myself how I "should" feel. I built a whole persona around "shoulds". A heavily edited version of me. And I bought it. I always had this feeling gnawing at the back of my skull, like this didn't feel right, didn't feel natural. I thought it was something I just needed to get used to. Kind of like how lifting weights doesn't feel good at first either, but after awhile your body gets stronger and you find you can lift those first weights you used rather easily. This whole time I've been shutting out anything that didn't "fit" into this new version of myself that I wanted to be in a misguided effort to "get better". I didn't let myself feel or think anything negative, and if something slipped through, which it frequently did, I felt guilty and a like I was failing. I panicked feeling like any time something negative popped up that I was sliding backward. It's no wonder now that I kept burning out.
There is a huge gap between what I know and what I feel, and I've basically been trying to smother what I Feel with what I Know. A recipe for disaster. It's funny, I do a lot of reading about psychology-related stuff, and it's mental health 101 that it's not healthy to push things down and bottle things up and that's pretty much exactly what I was doing. And I knew better. What the hell. I'm by far my worst enemy.
I feel like I have to start all over again.
Somebody tell me where I can find the emotional reset button for my brain. I'm tired as hell and I feel like I've lost a lot of my will, and most of my restraint to keep from choosing what's easy. At the risk of sounding like a toddler throwing a tantrum; I don't want to do this any more. Fuck everything. Call it off. I'm tired of trying to do something I can't do. That knife should've been sharper.
I don't know what's "right" anymore. I don't know what to do or where to begin.