I wonder if my dad knows that whenever I talk to him politely, it's fake?
I treat him very similarly to how I treat strangers. I generally try to be polite to strangers, but sometimes when I'm having a particularly bad day I put on my full-on bitch face and keep my head down and avoid eye-contact. Should I make eye contact, I try to soften my gaze and if need be give a small smile so it doesn't look like I'm trying to stare daggers into them. I've got this shit down to a science. I suppose the main difference between how I treat my dad and how I treat strangers is the reason. I simply like being nice to people, and I see no reason to be impolite to someone I've never met and I don't mind giving them the benefit of the doubt. Throwing a quick smile their way isn't going to cost me anything. With my dad however, I'm just trying to keep the peace. Keep it copasetic. There's enough to be stressed out about at home, and I don't want to do anything to add to it. I don't find it hard to be polite to him most of the time because I know that it's far better than the alternative. If I'm rude, I'll just stir up a ton of crap that no one wants to deal with. It's just not worth it.
I don't give him that much thought anymore. I don't ruminate. I know where I stand in my opinion of him and things he's done in the past. I keep in mind that's he's generally an ass and keep my guard up due to his history of fucking things up, but in my outward responses to him I refer to the present. I rarely cross into being unpleasant or showing my dislike of him even when I do disagree with his behavior or something he's said. I say what I need to say, but I do it with tact (mostly. :p I can't always keep my temper in check). There's no need to hang onto those old grudges. They take a lot of energy, and he's just not worth it.
I guess the only reason I've been bothered to bring any of this up now is that my counselor brought up (or maybe it was me? I can't remember) something about my relationship with my dad. Anyway somehow I'd gotten to saying that I was done being angry at my dad and that I'd pushed the rage away. She said something along the lines of emotions not going away on their own, they need to be expressed. I knew this, and I agreed, but I said that I didn't want waste any of my energy on him… though I'll admit I think I knew even right then that what I was really saying was that I didn't want to waste energy on dealing with those unexpressed feelings to do with my dad. She said, and I quote "that's your choice". And she meant in genuinely. I really don't believe she intended to patronize me at all… yet it's been on my mind since then. I know that these unfelt feelings or emotions or whatever have a good chance of blowing up in my face or at least manifesting in other more less obvious ways… but I just don't want to open this can of worms. What if I can't deal with it? Occasionally a little thought will pop up saying "he really hurt you". And fuck, I hate to admit it but I know it's true. I hate admitting that he has the power to have some kind of an affect on me. But how could he not? He is my father after all. He's in my life in some way or another since the day I was born. He's never been much of a parent. He may have financially supported us… but all the crap he put was through wasn't worth any amount of money. And never mind all the times my mother had to bust her ass to pay off his gambling debts. Really, my mom was a single parent and he was just in the way.
Maybe it's as simple as I think it is. I hate him, he was (and continues to be) a total jackass, I will never trust him or be close to him, and nor do I want to be. End of story. If something comes up, I will deal with it then. But I won't try to fix something that's still working for me. I dunno, maybe it's Not working for me as well as I think it is, but like I said, if something comes up, I'll deal with it.

10/5/2015, 6:12 AM


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